Mark Bittman's Tomato Jam

You know what's funny? It just occurred to me that in a little less than 24 hours, I'm going to be on my honeymoon in Greece. What's not so funny is that that sounds terrifying. Because in the meantime, sometime in the course of this day, I have to attach the manuscript of my book (at last count clocking in at just under 100,00 words) to an email and send it to my editor. And then I have to get up from my desk, turn off the computer and go away for two whole weeks.

Sometime soon, when I have a little more time, I'd love to tell you more about what a psychological trip this whole writing-a-book experience has been. There have been so many moments of absolutely hideous self-doubt, treacherous late-night thoughts about failure and a lot of real frustration, anger and sadness. But there have also been these strangely exhilarating moments, too, like the other night when I was really killing a chapter and I suddenly felt so seized with energy and power and happiness, yes, that my hands started to tremble as I typed.

That feeling, in that moment, was worth all of the other ugly stuff that came before. And right now, now that I'm scared stiff once again and am stuck trying to scrounge up a few more final words from my tired old brain and it's like squeezing water from a stone and I'm once again convinced that I am a hack and a fraud and should just go ahead and change my name to spare myself the humiliation of publication, I am trying to remember how glorious the other night felt.

Because that night I thought,

This feels so good that I never want to stop writing.

You guys, that was in the top five best feelings of my life, I'm sure of it. Right up there in the Number 2 spot.

I'm nowhere near done; my manuscript still needs a lot of work. There will be edits, rewrites, more edits, tears, self-doubt, misery and hopefully, along the way, a few more moments of that exhilarating happiness that crop up when you least expect them. But I did it. I got the first draft done, bird by bird, drip by drip.

I did it.

I did it.

Now because, as I mentioned, my brain right now is like a dry old stone, like a pumice stone that's been abandoned by the side of your bathtub for about three years and is practically cracking in half it's so dry, I'm going to keep the rest of this brief. (You have been so patient and so kind while I've been so quiet here lately that I feel awful leaving for two more weeks, but you understand, right? You know? That this isn't just a honeymoon for me and Max, but also the world's best-timed and most-needed vacation? That directly after pressing "send" on the most terrifying email of my life, I luckily have no choice but to go away and not turn on a computer for 13 whole blessed days?)

We are flying to Greece tomorrow to spend a week at a cousin's house on an island in the Cyclades and then, because we are honeymooners, we're going to spend an entire second week on the islands, too. Two entire weeks of vacation. I don't think I'll quite realize what kind of a luxury that is until we're there. We did not, when we booked the trip long before my appendicitis struck, have any idea that I would be writing up until the day before we left. I've never gone away on a vacation so unprepared. All I know is at what time the ferry to the island leaves Athens. I guess we'll figure out the rest when we get there.

A few weeks ago, back before I dove under entirely, I made a batch of this tomato jam. I'd come into some plum tomatoes for cheap and they were really good ones, thin-skinned and deep red and flavorful. I made the jam, barely paying attention, as with most things lately, other than writing. I filled two small jars with it and had just enough left to tide me over through lunch.

Tomato jam is a funny thing; sweet when you're expecting salty, savory when you're expecting sweet. I spread it on a piece of crusty bread and topped it with a fried egg, the gooey yolk sort of swimming into the hot, sweet jam. It made for a very tasty lunch-for-one-standing-up-at-the-counter and would have been an even better breakfast, especially if I had taken the time to sit down and eat like a civilized person. And perhaps added a few strips of bacon to the plate.

The original recipe says you have to consume the batch within a week or so, but I canned it with no ill effects by simply filling the very hot jam into sterilized jars, screwing the lids on tight and turning the jars upside-down until fully cooled.

I'm doing my best to hoard one jar for the depths of winter when we have no sun and no tomatoes and the pink sunsets that still steal across the sky these days are long gone. But I don't really get to complain yet. After all, I've got two weeks of sunshine awaiting me. Two weeks of beaches and books and walks and balanced meals and more tomatoes than I will probably know what to do with. Two weeks to spend time with Max and sleep in and go swimming and let the knot in my back unwind at last. Two weeks to remind myself every day that I did it, I did, and that that is the whole thing, the work, the accomplishment, the thing I set out to do. Two weeks to be grateful and happy for the chance.

And with that, I should go. I have to gather myself, have to let go, have to tell myself it's okay, have to tell myself to be proud, have to press send, have to howl with glee and terror, have to cry, just a little, have to pack, have to go.

I'll see you soon.

Mark Bittman's Tomato Jam

Makes 2 small jars with a little left over
Click here for the original recipe

1.5 pounds ripe plum tomatoes, cored and coarsely chopped
1 cup sugar
2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lime juice
1 tablespoon fresh grated or minced ginger
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
1 teaspoon salt
1/8 to 1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes or cayenne 

1. Combine all ingredients in a heavy medium saucepan, Bring to a boil over medium heat, stirring often.

2. Reduce heat and simmer, stirring occasionally, until mixture has consistency of thick jam, about 1 hour 15 minutes. Taste and adjust seasoning, then pour into hot, sterilized jam jars, screw the lids on and turn the jars upside down to cool completely.

Comments

[brooklynite (I Can be Jell-O)]

I don't know you personally, but I'm so proud of you! Enjoy the vacation, so well-deserved.

[Bobbie]

Have a wonderful honeymoon, Luisa! You totally deserve it. (I can't believe you're making tomato jam, AND writing about it for us, while sweating a deadline like that.)

[food, food, food, and more food]

The pictures look so tasty and delicious. I can't wait to try it when I make it, thanks for the recipes!

[Charlotte]

Your writing is sublime, Luisa. I hope you have a lovely, sundrenched honeymoon in Greece (!!). Sounds divine so I hope it is and more for you both.

[kristina - no penny for them]

this is so exciting - loads of congrats!

have a most wonderful honeymoon!

p.s.: i will so make this tomato jam...

[Lemon]

I am sure you will have a wonderful honeymoon in Greece! Looking forward to reading your book. Tomato jam is just delicious, thanks for sharing your experience.

[SavannahAnthony]

I opine that to get the home loans from banks you should have a great motivation. But, once I've got a financial loan, because I was willing to buy a car.

[Jill]

Congratulations on this major milestone! I can't wait to read it! Have an amazing honeymoon!

[Selkie]

Bravo!! Be well, laugh heartily, breathe deeply, and love with all your soul.... onward. and thank you so much; your writing inspires.

[erin @ from city to farm]

You're fantastic. I've been following along now for years, and I know your book will be a huge success (not that OUR confidence makes it easier for YOU to press send, but we're here for you!).

Have an absolutely magical honeymoon, free of stress, obligation and such. And you'll have great things waiting for you when you get home. :)

[Emily Schneider]

Luisa, congratulations from the absolute bottom of my heart. Terrific job! I hope you are enjoying your much-deserved honeymoon. Have a wonderful time.

[Julia of Randomly Yours, Julia]

Hooray, Luisa! If that feeling was in your top five, it should tell you that you ARE a writer, and once you see the book printed, it'll hit you that you're an author too :) just in case the following you have here hasn't convinced you.
Love your work! Can't wait for the book (but I will wait, because I want you to be happy with it). I might even try making tomato jam, and I am not typically a tomato person. Perhaps I should not have admitted that :)

[Nuts about food]

I hope you are having a wonderful honeymoon. Be proud, you have accomplished a lot. More than most. And if your book is written anything like your blog, it will be a success.

[Kelly]

I love when writing feels that way, when it just comes easily and you want to write and write and write. Enjoy the honeymoon!

[Emily]

Congratulations Luisa! You press that send button! And, I just have to say, your process and your thoughts and your struggles sound so very like mine sometimes, it's eerie. Maybe it's the plight of the (slightly hyper-)sensitive soul; the self-doubting, loyal, artistic but not - in their own self-doubting opinion - brilliantly so, person who has something to say and stories to tell. (and for whom crying happens to play an extremely multi-faceted expressive function :). Have sooooo much fun on your honeymoon! You have earned it and then some!

[Anneke]

Hey Luisa, congratulations! Hope you are enjoying your honymoon and well deserved holiday. Look forward to reading your book..

[CCP]

Congratulations, Luisa Weiss! Wonderful writing, as always. Love the rhythms of that penultimate paragraph -- a little train chugging into its station at last.

[Emily]

Herzlichen Glückwunsch!

And enjoy your holiday! I can't imagine how nice it will be to just set your brain on auto-pilot. Best of luck.

[The Recipe Grinder]

Your post reminds me of that great poem by Cavafy called Ithaka, which is all about remembering that it's the journey that matters most, not the destination (also fitting given where you're headed for your honeymoon/holiday). Of course, I realize that that's virtually impossible to do most of the time, and know all to well the anxiety of hitting the send button. Still, you're right to revel in the accomplishment of what you've completed. Thank you for that, and for this terrific recipe. Have a wonderful journey!

[Jane]

Congrats! Enjoy your honeymoon in GREECE and I can't wait to read your book, you're an inspiration to me!

[Melanie]

I am so looking forward to reading your book, and wish you a lovely honeymoon.

More immediately, however, I am curious about your method of canning by turning the jars upside down until they have fully cooled. Do you get a seal that way? I love the notion of not having to haul my canning stuff out for a couple of jars of jam.

Thank you for a wonderful blog.

[Sabrina]

Congrats Luisa! I am so happy for you. Now's the time to relax and unwind. Your blog has always inspired me. I cannot wait to read your book when it comes out. Much, much luv.

[Elizabeth]

I made this jam last summer with my mom's tomato harvest and loved it! I thought the spice flavor profile was so interesting and unexpected. Seeing your photos makes me want to whip up another batch with what's left of summer tomatoes!

Congratulations and enjoy your honeymoon!