On Writing

This is my kitchen cupboard, my secret shame. Or not so secret, if you came over for dinner some time. I get a little bit of agita every time I open the cupboard and a bag of dried beans or a bottle of vanilla extract almost comes flying down. Don't get me started on the teetering stack of sardine cans or the saffron packet half askew or the seven spaghetti left in one box that keep sliding out each time I pull out the tea tin (every morning, hey-oh!). My mother will take one look at this photo and will have to sit down and fan herself, I guarantee you.

This is also a little what my head feels like these days. It's bursting at the seams with a million to-do lists, a thousand little worries, a hundred sleepless moments. Our wedding is less than two months away and my manuscript is due in just three months and three days. Impeccable timing, no? My editor keeps telling me that I'm doing it, I'm actually doing it, and doing it well even, but you know what? It's the weirdest thing, I swear, but I don't believe her.

Writing a book, it's something I've wanted my whole life. But it's also something I've been terrified of doing ever since I realized I wanted to do it. (Gah, the eloquence.) Now that I find myself sitting in front of my computer every day, attempting to make my own dream come true, well, it's the hardest work I've ever done. I'm filled with doubt and worry and a lot of other unattractive emotions.

Who ever thought I could write?

People will hate this book.

No, actually, no one will even read it.

And the grand-daddy of them all, the Hooded Fang, my own night terror: I can't do this.

Ah, yes. One is always one's own worst enemy, isn't one?

***

I had plans this week to tell you about a soup from Gwyneth Paltrow's new cookbook, my attempt to recreate City Bakery's dark chocolate cookies with white chocolate chunks and my tentative venture into the wild and crazy world of rye sourdough, but then everything went a little haywire. The soup wasn't what I was hoping for, the cookies weren't very good and the sourdough, well, it got gnarly. I made a wonderful pan of roasted potatoes and fennel and chicken last night for dinner, but who needs a recipe for that?

(In case you do: Peel and chunk a bunch of potatoes, slice a bulb of fennel into wedges. Combine together in a roasting pan with olive oil, rosemary and flaky salt. Roast in a 400 degree oven for 40 minutes, until browned and fragrant and blistery. In the meantime, put two skin-on, deboned chicken breasts in a bowl and drizzle with olive oil and the juice of a quarter lemon. Sprinkle with salt, pepper and some chopped rosemary and sage. Let marinate while the potatoes roast. When the potatoes are done, remove pan from the oven and cover with aluminum foil. Put the chicken breasts and their marinade in a small roasting pan and put in the oven, at the same temperature, for 20 minutes. Remove, plate, eat.)

Then, while my kitchen was turning on me and churning out food that made me want to go eat French fries for dinner, this little blog here, my little engine that could, was nominated in the Best Cooking Blog category of Saveur's Food Blog Awards, alongside such beauties and kindred spirits as 101 Cookbooks, Smitten Kitchen, Lottie & Doof, Sprouted Kitchen and I Made That!

So that was very, very nice. Heidi suggested that the winner cook dinner for everyone else, which I think is a splendid idea, because I'd very much like a reason to sit around a dinner table with these folks soon. If you'd like to vote for any of us, head on over to Saveur and sign up. (If you're not a resident of the US or Canada, don't worry: Just select either country as the one you live in and your vote will be recorded all the same. Saveur's working on updating the system to include international votes, but it might take some time.) Thank you!

***

I'm heading out of town tomorrow on a couple of different assignments and will be back late next week, hopefully laden down with lots of good things for you and a slightly clearer head.

But before I go, I have to tell you something. I've said this before but I'll say it again and again and again: Thank you for reading and for being my audience. For a self-doubting writer, I count myself among the luckiest. Because I have all of you here with me and your presence alone is one of the biggest motivators I have, if not the biggest. When the book writing threatens to overwhelm me with fear and loathing, do you know what I do? I take a deep breath and I visualize you, my friends, my silent readers, my loyal commenters. I imagine you reading this book and holding it in your hands and then, funnily enough, my worries slink away and I know I can do it.

In other words, you make me feel brave. Thank you.

Comments

[Daniel]

But the sourdough is *supposed to* get gnarly! If it's still kicking after a week, you know you've made it through to the other side.

As for the book. You have one anticipating reader here. And I'll read it on my kindle, which is how I normally read your blog.

And if you reach one person, well, that has to be enough. But you know, with you, I know you'll reach, at the very least, many thousands.

In other words, from the side of the reader, thank you for writing, and thank you for writing so well.

[Bettina]

You know what - I can't even begin to describe the sleepless nights my thesis and that grand-daddy of self-doubt "I can't do this" have given me. So thanks for sharing! While you take comfort in visualising your readers, I take comfort in knowing that people like you, who in my eyes 'have arrived' and rock at what they do, have the same self-doubts and worries I do.

[Kathryn]

If it's any consolation, my kitchen cupboard is about a million times worse than yours...

[My Little Expat Kitchen]

Luisa, this is nothing. You should see my cupboard of shame! Yours actually looks pretty tidy.

Congratulations on the Saveur nomination and, about the book, I'm so looking forward to reading it and I'm sure there are many, many other people out there that feel the same way.
Doubting yourself is only natural, if you weren't, there'd be something seriously wrong with you.
Trust your instincts and enjoy all the good things that come your way :)
Magda

[Merle]

I love looking in other people's cupboards, so thanks for that.
As for the book, it sounds like you are exactly where you should be. I'll drink a toast to you when it's done (which it will be!).

[Agnes]

Luisa, i can't wait to read your book. Your blog is the absolute best one I know (and I am a loyal reader of many of the ones you listed above as well). Your writing gets only even better all the time - and your recipes are always delicious. And I love that you are writing from Berlin now - it may be hard for you, sometimes, to feel torn between several different places/cities/countries, but it makes your writing oh so identifiable, thoughtful, honest and interesting. It opens up the world. Thank you for that. Sadly I can't vote for you, as I don't live in the US (and so cannot sign up). But I hope you'll win!

I'm looking so much forward to my next Berlin visit with all your tips on places to try.

[Caffettiera]

If that helps, I love your writing. And you cupboard is quite neat - compared to mine, at least.
You know, it is just impossible with that many vital ingredients. When my mum visited me the last time, she took advantage of the fact that I could not walk (otherwise I would never ever have let her near my cupboard!), and she reorganized the whole thing. It just looked as messy as before, and we both could not find anything anymore.

[Jennifer Jo]

Go! Go! Go! Go!

You WILL do it.

And I WILL read it. Most happily, too.

[Barbara J. Isenberg]

You are adorable. I absolutely love your writing and I am looking forward to buying your book when it is published. Because, yes, you will finish it, you will have an awesome wedding, and also an enjoyable summer to boot! It all seems stressful now, of course, but try to enjoy it as much as you can. As your editor says, you ARE doing it! :)

[Honeybee]

Your book is one I'm going to buy the minute it hits the store. I last did that with the Harry Potter series (alas, volume 5 was published shortly before my 3rd year exams at law school. I can't say I did magic in contracts and torts and J.K. Rowling is to blame...).

I totally understand the "I can't do this" feeling. But let me tell you: you CAN write - and how! All the followers of this blog can't be wrong.

[Meister @ The Nervous Cook]

You can do it, and you will do it!

Your blog is so wonderful, such a treat to be able to experience as a reader, and I know completely how you feel about 'putting yourself out there.' It's the reason I started blogging, too -- as a self-conscious writer, there's almost nothing scarier than the idea that someone's actually *reading* this stuff, but at the same time, if they're not… then there's no point, right?

I for one am glad you keep going, and am happy to offer encouragement in this here comment form whenever the need strikes.

[courtney]

From one (usually silent) reader, I am very excited to read your book!

[Caitlin]

I am so excited to see your book when it comes out - every time you write, it takes me places, makes me dream, makes me want to cook. So that voice in your head? I'm telling it to shut up. Kindly though, since I know how awful self-doubt can be.

[stacey snacks]

Luisa,
I saw your nomination last nt on Saveur's site. Congratulations!

Funny, I looked at your cupboard and it looks exactly like mine! I didn't think anything of it!

I enjoy your blog and can't imagine I wouldn't enjoy your book just as much, you are a wonderful writer, so keep writing!

Stacey

[Marilyn]

I'm sorry to hear about your writing troubles. No one ever tells you that writing is exceptionally difficult. So much time spent figuring out what to say, then perhaps even more determining how best to express those ideas. Ask anyone writing a dissertation (as I am) or a novel (even though I've never met them) and they can commiserate.

What strikes me about your post is the realization that "the grass is always greener". I've been following enough food blogs now with book deals thinking that it sounds like a pretty good gig, one that I could even accomplish. At the end of the day, though, writing is hard, no matter what the subject, and research is research.

Hang in there! And, I love your blog and love your writing. I'm sure you'll receive plenty of encouragement and validation through comments, just keep it up! You'll feel very proud and accomplished when it's over.

[molly]

Just keep going!!!!!

[tiina]

Oh, I agree. Just keep going! It'll all be wonferful! xx

[Michelle]

My oh my dearie! You are the blog, writer, woman, cook, baker that I truly look forward to reading. You are fresh, eloquent and meaningful. You have it going on, naturally. Chin up - you are doing wonderful work and I look forward to grabbing your book the first chance I get. Really truly enjoy you!

[Caroline]

Oh man, I think we all have those feelings and my cabinets look like that too. But you are so good at what you do. Keep on keepin' on.

[melissa]

here is an important thing to think about! usually I just skim the blogs that I read in my google reader. but, here is the truth--although, every time i start reading one of your blog entries, i intend on skimming it like i usually do to most of the others, i always end up totally committed and taking in every single word. and don't you dare think that i'm just saying that to make you feel better! seriously, i don't know you! what stake would i have in that?

[ana]

I wanted to say thank you as well - your other blog about Berlin's food was one of the reasons we've decided to move to Berlin :)

[Jessika]

Oh thank YOU!! :)

I bet writing is a bit like attending your first month(s) at university while being convinced that soon enough someone will get the fact that you're a fraud.

[Sarah]

When you write the words you put on the page are beautiful. They completely speak to me, more so than any other food writer I've found. I hardly ever comment and have never met you but I always feel like we're friends. So thanks for writing. I know this book of yours will completely seal the deal on our friendship. ;) You truly are an inspiration.

[Andrea]

Seriously. We are all going to pre-order your book. You can do it.

And re: weddings? Mine was flooded-- like, the site was under the Mississippi River-- 5 days before the 'I dos'-- after 13 months of planning. It was still the best day ever. Let that be the least of your worries.

[lynh]

Dear Lu: I may be forward but this must be said. I love you. I do. Please, let your head get big! I will totally be first in line to buy your book and will try to find some way to get it signed no matter what. Did I tell you you are one of my heroes? For a myriad of reasons in case we ever meet, which I will let you know.
Best, always - Lynh

[dervla]

are you serious? When i look into my cupboard it's a black hole and there are bugs skittering away from the light! Looking at your shelves gives me ideas for dinner. Nothing is as bad as it seems and in a few months you'll be getting married under your grandfather's stars :-) Heading over to vote now.

love,
lil d

[Koek!]

Stephen King said that writing a book is a lot like crossing the Atlantic in a bathtub - there are a lot of opportunities for self-doubt.

Can. Not. WAIT. For your book. And you have my vote x 100.

[Liana]

I would kill for a cupboard as organized as yours. Seriously. I have _unsealed_ bags of rye berries and half-gallon glass jars of oats falling on my head every time I open mine. So: You're well ahead of the game. My book's due in three months too (gulp!), and I cannot imagine planning a wedding in the middle of that. I am, as always, in awe of what you manage to accomplish, and I can't wait to read whatever you come up with! And a huge congrats on the Saveur nomination. It's totally deserved.

[Louise @ Kitchen Fiddler]

Please let me add to the wall of encouraging comments and appreciation for your beautiful writing! Your words resonated with me very deeply this morning, from the lifelong desire to write a book to the chorus of self-doubts that accompany you on the writing journey. But I have complete faith that yours will be a compelling and delicious book, and I'm already looking forward to reading it.

Hang in there, and just know that there are many of us who are cheering you on from all over the globe!

[Marie]

Your blog is a calm port of loveliness for me. Thank YOU!

[silent but hapy reader]

keep up the good work, i love reading your posts

[Torie]

I'm a silent reader coming out of the woodwork to tell you that your blog is one of the loveliest that I read. Keep at it! :)

[carol]

love this post. as a fellow writer i know what you mean, i actually had to stop thinking about who would read it and enjoy the process of putting down on paper the words that described what i was thinking and seeing in my head. in cooking you start with nothing, add ingredients one my one and seemingly by magic you have a finished dish. keep adding your words.

[Amy]

I think your cupboard looks beautiful! Honestly, it just makes me feel happy and warm looking at it.

And so you know-- I can't wait to read your book, just like I can't wait every few days for a post on your blog. It always without a doubt makes my day better.

Thanks, Luisa

[Allison]

Can't wait to get my hands on your book once it's done! I love your posts and am always excited to see what you've written.

[Norma Prigge]

I am voting for your blog on the Saveur site, based on the photograph of your cupboard! Of course, I find your writing delightful, too.
Good luck!

[Katie]

I plan to read your book because I know I will like it!

[Oana]

What a beautiful post Luisa. Human. Wonderful.

[CharlotteAuChocolat]

I've been following your blog for over 3 years now (four maybe?), and I just love your writing. Every single post has always been so eloquent, beautiful, and honest. I'm sure your book will be just as gorgeous.

As for the wedding part, try to focus on it as little as possible! Although I can't beat Andrea's flood story, I can tell you one of my own: I spent three whole days the week before my wedding making these gorgeous ribboned panels as a stand for place cards at the entrance. I went to a special ribbon store and spent an exorbitant amount of time agonizing about the perfect ribbons- all in hues of gold and ivory. THEN I spent an afternoon with a friend lining the boards with these satin and lace ribbons, getting the pattern just so, and adding little pearls and tiny gold sequins. THEN i spent countless hours writing the names of all of our guests in calligraphy on beautiful little place cards. THEN I spent days agonizing with my family and my in-laws about seating arrangements, finding just the perfect person to sit next to my divorced professor from university, and the perfect single cousin to sit next to one of my husband's single friends. THEN i wrote the appropriate table numbers on the back of each place card, and put them up on the boards, in alphabetical order. THEN the day of my wedding arrived, and when I left my house all dressed up, I glanced at my place card boards and sighed with contentment. THEN.... my mother forgot them at home.

the beginning of our wedding was complete chaos- with no one knowing where to sit, and me looking frantically for my boards.

looking back, now five years ago, who the hell cares if i had or didn't have those place card boards? my gorgeous, adorable husband? he's all that matters.

but back to you and your writing- you really have a gift with words. and i wouldn't come back here all the time, for so long, if I didn't really think so. So please, please, believe your editor.

Good luck, we're all rooting for you!

[EllenQ]

You have impostor syndrome - but let us all tell you that you really can do it!!! You are capable.

I'm not sure that it is at all a similar experience but I just pushed out a 250 page dissertation and I just had to sit down and do it. Every day, all day, just produce and then go back and edit.

[R @ Learning As I Chop]

Congratulations on the nomination! I don't think that cupboard is too bad. Aren't most foodie cupboards packed to the brim?

[Sarah]

Your style of writing is fantastic. Both charming and hilarious.

Stop worrying!

(impossible, I know, but still)

Enjoy the next few months!

[Karen]

I so look forward to every word that comes off your keyboard, you inspire me to want it all, reading, writing, photography, and food fun.......i am certain that your book will be an amazing treat. Seems like your little dream is about to come true girl. How wonderfully lucky for all of us. Thank you.

[the twice bitten]

Just have a look at these comments when you get those dark moments. It's your humanity almost more than the food that makes me love this blog so much. It wouldnt be what it is today if it wasnt for you, worries and all. You'll certainly sell 1 copy anyway. I cant wait for the book.

[Sasa]

See, here we all are, knowing every word you write will be just right. Good luck with those to-do lists and the Saveur awards!

[Samantha]

My dear Luisa, you are my favorite person that I do not know. Every day I open the links to each of the new blog posts that appear in my feed, but I save yours for last, always. You inspire in so many ways, and your writing speaks to me louder than any of the other bloggers I love. Thank you for persisting through the self-doubt, the moment I can pre-order your book that is exactly what I will do.

[Barton]

keep writing about how hard writing is, great writing and makes the many wannabe stressing about manuscript deadline writers feels better about their self doubt.

[CharlotteAuChocolat]

I know I left a long enough comment already, but that shot of your pantry? I thought you were going to give us pointers on how to organize! it looks pretty great to me ;)

[JBies]

First visit for me, but you seemed to be reading my mind ... I'm in a vortex these days as a newbie at a cooking magazine. Everyone knows more than me! Argh! I'll keep reading you and learning and also remembering what you and many others have said ... it's all about CONTINUING TO WRITE, not the doubts. Those are universal. Best.

[lauren @ spiced plate]

Luisa, Congrats on the nomination! You deserve it.
Please keep writing. I love what I read here -- it inspired me to start my own blog, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.
I hope to get to read the book soon!
Be well, and believe in yourself. Don't let the constant ticker-tape to-do list of the mind get in the way. I get that way too -- meditation has helped quite a bit.