A Helluva Town

I got off the airplane at JFK last week and the first thing I noticed was that warm, breezy air wafting around me, tinged slightly with the scent of jet fuel, but warm and welcoming all the same. Hello, New York.

This old view, from a highway in Queens, used to make me gape every time I came around the bend. Well, it still does. Doesn't matter that I don't live there anymore. New York rising up from the ground like a mirage, steel and glass shimmering in the afternoon sun, it's enough to make you cry. Or laugh. In all of its improbable, breathtaking beauty.

From the cold, hard edges of buildings.

To the soft, pink petals of the blossoming trees.

New York is for cheese-makers.

New York is for dreamers.

New York is for patriots and for visitors.

New York has lots of hidden messages in its nooks and crannies and crevices, waiting to make you smile.

The breadth of its sky is unparalleled. It feels different than anywhere else: huge and unlimited.

I didn't pay much attention to food this week; I was distracted by all the people, the streets, the smells, and, of course, my friends. Still, this lobster roll stood out: pure, unadulterated deliciousness. Better than anything I'd ever eaten in Maine. Isn't that just like New York? Always doing it a little bit better?

The first few days back in New York were hard. I had tears in my eyes on every street corner. Felt like I was in a glass box watching my old city, my old life, pass me by. I saw everything I'd given up right in front me, literally close enough to touch. The energy and exhilaration of just being in New York; well, I'd missed both. So much.

Yet, as the days passed, and the rawness subsided, I started to feel more peaceful. Look at this city! I thought. I was so lucky. I am so lucky. I got to live here. This was my home. And in a way, it still is.

I think, later, when this year has passed and I can look back with some measure of perspective and distance, this trip will stand out as something important. Not just a quick vacation to see friends, but some kind of turning point, a moment in time in which everything started to fall into place.

It was also immeasurably inspiring. I don't know yet how to write about this without dissolving into a puddle, but my friends in New York, well, they really inspire me. They make me proud to know them. Kind, funny, interesting, smart: they made me want to do better, write more, laugh louder. I wish I could have told them all in person just how much they mean to me, but this blog will have to do.

The world. Is what they mean to me.

So, taking leave was hard. Of course it was. I buried my head into my book on the way to the airport and refused to look out the window. I didn't want to see those train tracks passing by, the gleam of yellow cabs, the sheen and shine of the city as my train pulled away, pulled me away.

But, the thing is, I got to come back to this. A pink sky, an apartment to fill with memories, the smell of lilacs and earth in the street, rain drops on the roof last night. Leaving New York is never easy, as REM once sang. But coming home to Berlin just is.

Comments

[Withoutamicrowave.wordpress.com]

Luisa,

This post almost made me cry. I've only been living in New York for about 10 months and already I am in such a deep love affair with the city that even the thought of moving away makes me melt into a puddle.

There isn't a day that goes by where I don't have at least one moment that makes me go, "Wow, I live here."

It's unparalleled in every aspect and your tribute is so amazingly written. It's a great follow-up to your list of favorite places to eat in the city, which I've been making my way through slowly but surely.

New York misses you!

[Lisa (dinner party)]

Absolutely beautiful post, Luisa. Words and photos, both.

[Debjani Roy]

I feel about Berlin how you feel about New York. Leaving Berlin felt like the end of a romance. It´s been months since I´ve been back. I have a flight booked for June, and I know that when I get there that being there will be overwhelming.

So do me a favour please, and have dinner at my favourite restaurant for me, Sasaya in P.Berg.

[Uncle Bob]

Luisa, glad to hear that you had such a wonderful time in NYC. I loved the photos and your reminiscences. Having lived in Hoboken for many years (college years) I know just how great a city New York really is. I'm sure you'll be back some day. Also, glad to hear from you again. I've missed you for the past couple of weeks.

[Drew]

Being able to feel truly at home in more than one place is an amazing thing. The way you feel about New York, I feel about Paris, about a small town in the south of England where I went to school for a couple of months years ago, about where I live now (and the thoughts of leaving the city so we can give our baby daughter a little grass under her feet is both exciting and frightening) and even about the tiny city where I grew up. It's such a cliche, but home really is where the heart is - or was.

[Kat]

This post definitely made me cry! I can relate to this and every time I visit NYC, I am overcome for the first couple of days. After, though, I just enjoy it and absorb every minute. I haven't lived there since 2004 and have moved around a bit since, then but I never forget how much I loved calling New York my home. I really loved this post!

[Jessika]

Ending one chapter in your life and entering another is always coated with rawness. Leaving something behind, as is inevtible, is painful yet necessary. It is a cliche, yet time will (if not heal) put distance between what happened and what will come to be.

[amelia]

this is a beautiful post with beautiful pictures.

[jodi]

such a beautiful post!

[daniela]

I also used to live in NYC, and, boy.. I understand you so well..(sob!)

daniela

[The French @ crispytarts]

Such a beautiful post. Just said goodbye to my best friend who moved to NYC a few years ago and seems to have the same connection you have. But I'm glad to know you love Berlin as well. There's too many amazing cities in the world for one lifetime! I want to live in them all:)

[Tracy]

The wash of warmth as the train slows to a stop. Holding on, holding my breath to the next stop. Emerging. The immensity. Walking. Stopping. A coffee. I could have bought that book, that cd in Baltimore, but I did it in New York City instead. Not getting into one restaurant, but no worries...there are a million greater ones right around the bend. A show tune in Marie's crisis. A gelato in the Chelsea Market. A bed at the Washington Square Hotel (or on the floor of an apartment in Brooklyn—if we like). We like, we love it all. I think they should make t-shirts that say "I miss NY".

[Zia Elle]

NY, wonderfull city......I miss it too very much.
I'm with Tracy, they should make t-shirts say "I miss NY"!!

[mizdahlia]

Ah, this post is so beautiful. I love my city (Seattle) the same way you love New York - every day I look around and think, "Wow, I live here." NYC was my home for six years and I still ache for Brooklyn some days; it will always be home to me in some small, abiding way. Lovely how our cities seep into the bones and leave their indelible mark. Thank you for expressing it so eloquently.

[Levinson Axelrod]

Great post. Enjoyed reading about your trip back to New York -- it's very touching. Wonderful photos to accompany the words.

[jenna]

What a lovely tribute to this city. I've been in New York for about six months (and six months about two years ago as well), and it's still strange and wonderful to think that this is real - I really live here. Thanks for drawing me back

[Joanne]

I live in New York. I grew up here, had a four year stint in Boston during college, and then decided to come back. Because this is where I belong. I think you described it all so perfectly here. Great post.

[Brettne]

New York shines a little less brightly without you here. Gorgeous post. Miss you! xoxox

[Becky]

Wonderful post, Luisa! So evocative and captures almost everything I feel about having lived in NYC for 6 years, many moons ago. My son was born there, but when he was 20 months we moved to Chicago. Two more children followed.
Luckily, we have family in NY and go back often, but the city and vistas often take my breath away, for my children and spouse as well. In a sense, my life truly began there when I gave birth to my son.
Thanks for a beautifully written post, and it also brought tears to my eyes.

[Calvine]

Oh what beautiful pictures! I live in New York, and I think you captured my weekend and love for this city better than I could even imagine. Truly superb. Thanks for sharing.

[kickpleat]

You put tears in my eyes and I've never even been to NYC before! I'm aching for a visit and I'm going make sure that I make it happen. Lovely.

[Petra]

This made me cry...

... being at a turning point by myself, too, not knowing in which direction to turn, yet.
But oh so thankful for all the options I have in my life. (Even if the decisions are hard to make.)

Yesterday I stumbled over the following quote in "Wunschgeflüster" (or "wish" as the original title is) by Melina Gerosa Bellows:

Es sind Deine Entscheidungen, die Dich am Ende zu dem machen, was Du bist. Nicht Deine Möglichkeiten.

[Maddie]

Oh, I know that feeling all too well--it's heart-wrenching, and you express that so vividly. Some of the same thoughts were in my head every time I flew to and from home in Chicago to college/post-grad home in Washington. That was especially the case as life circumstances changed, and loved ones came in and out of my life. Bittersweet, eh?

[TheKitchenWitch]

Love "The Dude Abides" on the chalkboard. Truer words were never spoken!

Welcome home! It sounds like you enjoyed your time back in the old neighborhood.

Would you mind divulging your source for that amazing looking lobster roll? I'm going to NYC in August and looking for delicious things to eat.

[Vanessa]

An amazingly beautiful and moving post. In all of your words and pictures, you express so well what New York means to you, how hard it is to leave a city which was such a big part of your life and how it is to be torn between different places. Whenever I return somewhere I loved, I regret the distance which has taken me away from it and wish I could feel the way I used to. I remember not being able to look out of the windows every time I left Paris, fighting back the tears. How sad I was to leave Berlin in the summer of 2006, thinking I would never get a chance to return. I feel lucky being here now and hope you find the peace and inspiration you need here.

[David]

That lobster roll looks suspiciously to me like currywurst..

[Heather]

i imagine i'll feel the same about leaving chicago, whenever that day is. but the good part about it all is that you can always go back to visit.

great post :)

[Laura]

I'm a born-and-raised New Yorker who has lived on the other coast for the past 20 years. I return a couple of times a year and exist in that strange land between native and tourist. I started reading your blog because you had just moved to Queens, where I grew up. And have followed your culinary and literal travels ever since.

Now please tell me where you got that lobster roll - I've been looking for one like that for ages, and will be in the city in a couple of weeks...

[Molly]

Oy, two homes. Heartbreak, squared. But also, two place to hang your hat and your soul. There's something to be said for that, I think, hard as it is and always will be.

[Laura]

Wonderful post. Made me miss New York again and I've only ever been twice in my life, not that that matters. Will be checking out that Lobster Roll for sure next time I go.

[James G]

Ah, my home town! Haven't lived there full-time since 1986, but it's still defiantly my home, even as I galavant around the world living in other places (Moscow, Beijing, Munich, London, even Washington, DC). Beautiful shots, too!

[gemma]

perfect. just perfect. come back soon though.

[Anita]

Wow, that was wonderful. I've never been to New York (I live in Chile), but I definitely want to now!
I'm sure you'll make wonderful memories in Berlin too, I've never forgotten the taste of currywurst :)

[maija]

NYC's like that one photogenic friend who always look good in every photo, even in her sweats & no make up. I understand your city love - I've only visited NYC, but it definitely pulled hard on my heart strings. I've had really vivid dreams of being there in the last week or two. But, I think I will never cheat on my current city (portland, or), as I am head-over-heels for my city.

[Lauren Z]

Beautiful pictures of New York! Makes me want to travel. Thanks for the lovely post.

[Kristine]

Amazing pictures! Make me want to visit :-)

[Mark @ Cafe Campana]

I am from Sydney Australia and am yet to visit NYC. It looks so good, tonnes of fun things to see and especially eat :)

[Lora Wiley]

Lovely Post. A beautiful and heartfelt tribute to The Big Apple. I lived and worked in there for 12 years. It's where I made my early dreams come true. I believe in the magic of that city has the power to do that for people. I still feel the tingle every time I am back there. Missed it every day in my After 5 subsequent years in LA, I've lived in several different German cities for almost 10 years now in and have sort of the same feeling for Munich. Another place I lived and loved, was romanced by by husband and still hold dear friends there

[Sonia]

What a lovely, touching post. The photos are stunning. You're a very talented photographer.

[Alina]

I've been living in New York for two years now and I never want to leave.

Beautiful photos! Such gorgeous colors.
What type of camera do you use?

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1047505248]

ahh-(sigh)-so eloquent. 'home' is a nuanced word. for me, being a military brat, i have no roots in any city. so home is where my books are-& the cats. each place i have been was home for a little while.

[yasmin]

i think this is what happens when you live somewhere you really love, new york or other. you can grow up somewhere and not feel this, i imagine. good for you for moving somewhere you really loved, even for a while. i am looking forward to my move to new york too.

[Nancy Reglat]

I lived in NYC for 23 years, and to me it is the center of the world. Paris is second, but NY is my heart and always will be.
I live in Nice now, but each year I return to NY and visit friends, and go grocery shopping, for all my favorite American foods.
Nice takes your breathe away with it's beauty, but NYC just has something.

[Melanie]

New York is a great place, unique unto itself. It is the place I was born, where I work but I now live in NJ - it's nice too. Now that you are back in Berlin I think you should do a blog post on what to see/do/eat in Berlin.
p.s. I love your blog, it always makes me smile :-)

[emily]

my brother is an American who lives and works in Berlin (for the past 2 years). I think you live in the same 'hood as him- Charlottenburg . I know he is also looking to meet new people...

[Samantha]

Thank you for this homage to my city. My eyes certainly welled-up a bit... I can't imagine ever moving away permanently... I'm happy you're pleased to be back in Berlin. You're right, as hard as it is to leave, it's great to be so comfortable abroad. As long as you know that we'll always welcome you back here to New York (even those of us who have never met you)!

[Kristin]

Love your post! It makes me never want to leave here. Especially with the sight of that lobster roll. Is it the kind with just butter, lobster meat and the roll? Like the kind I get in Maine, without all the mayonnaise that most places here have? I must go asap!

[Withoutamicrowave.wordpress.com]

On the way home tonight, I saw a guy wearing a "the dude abides" tshirt. I didn't realize I was staring at him with a huge smile on my face, thinking about your post again...until he caught my eye and we had an awkward NYC subway moment...

[CSI Chef Lee]

Reading and looking at your pictures has made me home sick for small town Alberta Canada. But for now I'm in another helluva town called Bangkok where we operate a cooking school under the name of Ma-Sa-Man Cooking Schools & Breadery. There are thousands of Thailand location labelled pictures in www.kruzon.com Flickr account at http://www.flickr.com/photos/kruzon/collections/72157603128225463/if you should like to take a look them.
YOu can also go to Cooking Schools Intl website url below and retrieve authentic 5 star restaurant quality Free Thai recipes.

[Monica]

Lovely lovely lovely balance of photos and words. I hope your publisher is going to give you lots of room for pictures.