Leap And The Net Will Appear

Sometimes I wonder where it all started. It could have been in Ms. Mercer's fifth grade class, I guess, when I wrote my first story, a bound set of loose leaf pages grandly titled "The Boarding School Murders" and illustrated with a luridly dripping knife, no less. But then I think it must have been earlier than that, when my father taught me how to read on the nubby, cream-colored couch that sits in my living room now, when I learned to escape into the wintry wonderlands of Narnia or the the big woods of Wisconsin, pulled along into those stories by the little girls who bewitched generations of readers before me. Perhaps I was older still, sitting quietly in writing class in college, feeling the strange rush of adrenaline course through my veins when I started writing short stories and found I couldn't stop. Or maybe it was the blog, the daily, weekly discipline of showing up here and writing, opening my heart and finding an audience in a dozen, a hundred, a thousand computers and more, scattered throughout the world.

Other people knew it before I did, believed in me long before I would ever learn to. I'd resigned myself to being on the other side, didn't really think I'd ever make it happen. Was too scared, if I'm honest. Too anxious I'd fail.

***

Ten years ago this January, I moved to New York. I got myself a little desk outside a big publisher's office, where I answered his phone and took notes in meetings, went out to book parties with other assistants and reveled in bagfuls of free galleys. I walked over the Brooklyn Bridge at sunset, skin tingling, and felt smug pride when I learned to navigate the West Village without a map. Smiled when I started recognizing strangers on the street, when the dry cleaner remembered my name.

I didn't need much adjusting to New York; it felt almost instantaneous, my acclimation. I had my little room in a darling apartment on the Upper West Side, just across from Zabar's, just a few blocks from Central Park. My roommates and I memorized the lines in "French Kiss" and stayed out late; threw dinner parties with borrowed chairs and fought with our landlady about the heat. I taught them how to cook and they taught me that friends could become family. Turns out that with the right people, all it takes is a little time. That, and a little bit of magic, too.

I remember when I first fell in love with New York. I was eight, and my father and I were on a visit with my grandparents. There had been an opera at Lincoln Center and a ride in a yellow cab, lunch at an Italian restaurant with their old friends in Midtown and a walk up Fifth Avenue, the city pulsating, alive, around us. It didn't scare me, though; it was thrilling, and so I fell hard and fast. I bought a canvas "I Love New York" tote bag and came home bubbling, proclaiming it, knowing it in my bones. One day, I'm going to move to New York.

And so, 14 years later, I did.

***

On New Year's Eve last year, at 11:45 pm, I sat in the guest room of my aunt and uncle's apartment in Brussels, wrapped up in a blanket in front of the computer. My family and friends, all felled with the flu, had gone to bed early and I, the lone healthy person, was alone on New Year's Eve. Well, I thought. 2009 wasn't starting very well. It had been a tough fall and I knew the months ahead would be even tougher. I braced myself that night, gave myself a stern talking-to.

You will get through this. You simply must.

The thing is, I'm not very good at being stern. I'm too soft, I think, too quick to fold. Now, do you know what I wish I could do? I wish I could go back to that night, slip into that room with the girl sitting in that chair, and wrap her up in a big hug. Trust me, I'd say. Trust me. It won't always feel this way. And she'd know I was right.

The next few months, though, were just as hard as I knew they'd be. Harder, even. I thought they'd never end. I gritted my teeth and braced myself, but it didn't help. I balled my hands into fists and fought, but lost. I tried to be strong, but it felt like I'd failed.

And then. Oh then.

My girlfriends - my sisters - took me with them to Paris. Me with my heart frayed around the edges, so fragile I'd been teetering on the edge of tears every hour, every day. We flew to Paris, and I felt the magic the minute we stepped off the plane. You think I'm speaking in metaphors, maybe, am having just a bit of fun, perhaps. No. There was magic there and it was real. Between the lilacs on the RER and the insistent flap of pigeon wings, Paris shook me awake; gently at first and then harder, with urgency. Open your eyes, I heard. There's no time to waste anymore.

The answer is right in front of you.

***

Readers, how do I just get it out and tell you? How do I put it in words? I don't know how, am trying so desperately to get it right, to really nail this one, because this is important.

Something happened in Paris and the weeks thereafter. I don't know if that's where my childhood finally ended or if it was then that I started to realize who I really am and what I really want. Maybe they go hand-in-hand, maybe you can't have one without the other. Either way, something happened, something pushed me to snap out of it, to wake up and take my life into my hands before it was too late.

In those strange, clear days in late spring, I remember finally realizing with earth-shaking certainty this: You, and only you, determine your own fate. You only get one chance at this life. Do something with your life; open your heart to risk. At some point, enough is enough and you must take the biggest leap you can and live it.

So I did.

***

Last week, I gave notice at my job. This week, a dream came true. No. This week, my dream came true. The biggest dream of my life, I think, the thing I've been dancing around as long as I can remember, the thing I've always wanted, yet didn't ever believe I could actually do. After writing all summer, after finally getting down to business and trying, after doing what people have been urging me to do for years, I took my heart into my hand, handed a book proposal over to my agent, closed my eyes and leaped.

48 hours later, the editorial director at Viking Press bought my book.

***

But that wasn't the only leap, you see. Something else I learned this year is that only once or maybe twice in life, when you get the chance for change, real change, you've got to do a whole lot more than just one thing. You've got to look deep inside your own soul and follow where it wants to go. You've got to listen, really listen, in order to hear what the universe is trying to tell you. And move mountains, then, when you finally know what you want. So, my dears, my readers, my silent and not-so-silent supporters, here it is, at last.

I'm writing a book, yes. But that's not all. I'm leaving New York, too.

I'm moving back to Berlin and I'm writing a book, about Berlin, about my life, about cooking and home and family and love, about being divided and finding a way back to being whole again, about a city and its recipes, and a girl who's learning how to find her way.

And somehow, finally, I believe it, too: This is what I was meant to do.

Comments

[alice]

Congratulations! What a very exciting time for you.

[Amanda Nicole]

I am so happy for you! I'm about to take a giant, life-changing leap in the new year, and your warming words of wisdom will certainly come in handy. Thank you, thank you.

[Chris]

Beautiful post - you had me in tears. I think we've all been there - when things seem their darkest. Glad to hear things are turning around for you. Congratulations and good luck to you on your endeavor!!

[Molly]

Luisa! Oh, my friend! This IS what you were meant to do. I've been hoping for this book from you, and waiting for it, and I am so, so, so excited for what lies ahead. I don't even know how to say how excited I am. THAT excited. What a ride you've had, lady, and what a ride it's going to be. Go get 'em. xoxoxoxo

[FROM THE RIGHT BANK]

Congratulations! We don't know each other but your story is so inspiring and I couldn't be happier for you. I wish you all the best!

[andrea]

What amazing news!! Congratulations and best of luck with the move--what a wonderful book it will be! I can't wait to read it :)

And such a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing with us your honest, inspiring words!

[Genie]

I have chills right now. Congratulations, congratulations, congratulations.

[Eric Gower]

Congratulations Luisa -- I came here via a link from Tara, and am glad I did. My wife grew up in Germany (Frankfurt) and has similar feelings. Can't wait to read your updates.

[Tea]

Oh my dear, I am SO HAPPY for you! Sitting here smiling through my tears, so moved. Yes, this is what you were meant to do. And the path will lead you where you need to go.

Big sloppy hugs and kisses sent to you from the west coast. Doing the happy dance for you out here!

[gardenbre]

... what's just as great is you shared this exceptionally wonderful experience with other in an effort of encouragement! BIG CONGRATS ... will buy this book

[elizabeth]

Congratulations! I can't wait to read it!

[Alejandra]

So beautiful and so exciting. And it's good to read that it happens...you just need to get down to business. My own agent (and everyone else in my life) have been nudging me along and really the only thing stopping me is me. It's wonderful to read that once you get around to actually doing it, it really is possible. So many congratulations to you on everything.

[anna]

Congratulations! I can't wait for your book - out of all the blogs I read, your writing style is my absolute favorite. It's so familiar, friendly and inviting. I also completely relate with your experience of falling in love with New York, knowing I HAD to move here someday - and I did recently. But at the same time I know I won't be here forever. I won't move back to where I came from, but there are so many other places I haven't been that I think I'd like to experience, the kind of experiencing that only comes from living there, just like I am experiencing New York differently now than I did all the times I just visited before.

I so look forward to reading about your experiences in your new-old home. :)

[Kylie of Thin Crust, Deep Dish]

This is so beautiful. And I'm so happy for you. I'm thinking about being courageous too, lately, and it helps to hear that others are realizing their dreams. I cannot wait to read the book.

[AmyRuth]

While this is the first time I have read your blog, and feeling like I've missed all the precursor to your new life, there is the excitement starting to bubble to breathe in all the newness of what is to come. I love that with all the safety left behind there is also the safety of the foundation you have built in recent years. Jump! Jump High. Many of us are looking forward with you,
AmyRuth

[david]

Yay! We'll be neighbors!

Well, kinda..

[Robin Glover]

Congatulations for listening to your hearts voice. They know what's best for us if we can hear their joyfull murmer behind the world's din. They give us the gift of connection to nature and other souls and a portion of peace if we learn to forgive.

[la ninja]

what's going on in 2009? changes ahoy and good ones too, for that matter.
the only was is up and up you're (definitely) flying. high. ;)

I hope to be able to keep reading about your adventures (when you're settled and all that) here.

hooray, viva, wunderschön and all the rest.

[la ninja]

I'm all warm and fuzzy and full of hope inside now (sorry, sometimes I forget the emotional bits.)
much, much appreciated.

[Nurit - 1 family. friendly. food.]

I identify with what you wrote in so many ways, too complex and elaborate to even start writing about.
But in one word "Beautiful."
Good luck!

[Shauna from Piece of Cake]

Dang girl! I've been waiting for this kind of news from you. Can't wait to read it. Hope you will be posting throughout the process. Hooray!

[Bethany Kehdy]

I just came across your blog via @saffronberry.

What a great story! Congratulations. It's so beautiful to be able to go back to your home and talk about your journey, the food, the love. I can't wait to read the book!

[Ivonne]

Luisa: If I had to pick one word to describe this post, it would be "joy". Joy from beginning to end. I'm so happy for you! In bocca al lupo! I'll be waiting to buy a copy of that book!

[Katie]

I cannot even tell you how inspirational and exciting this post is. (I am in a similar position of leaving-my-job-what's-next, and this made me so happy to read.) I have chills! This is such a fabulous, wonderful new chapter for you. I'll be sending all positive thoughts and prayers your way as you embark on this new journey. CONGRATULATIONS!!

[Vivian]

Wow, what a beautiful post. You are absolutely inspiring!

[Lauren K.]

What a great post. Your book is one that I can't wait to read. Congratulations and best of luck!

[The Spice Doc]

fabulous and much much congratulations!! i miss new york since i moved after 9 years there post-tufts, but it was the best thing i could have done for myself. good luck in berlin!! nicole

[After Words]

Congratulations. All the best to you.

[maryn]

I saw the announcement on Publishers' Marketplace! I'm so happy for you. Your words in this post are very, very true - I've been there too, contemplating that leap...

[Amy]

Congratulations! I love reading your blog and I am so excited to read more about this new direction and journey, good luck.

[Myrnie]

How wonderful!

[Elizabeth]

Congratulations!! I can't wait to read the final product!

[Rachel]

Congratulations! And so beautifully written.

[emily]

Congratulations, and good luck! I hope that you'll continue to share your culinary and life adventures with us.

[Carrie]

Wow Luisa. This is absolutely amazing!! I'm just so happy for you. Congrats!!

[Terrie]

Good luck, what a fantastic decision. Can't wait to read the book. Enjoy Berlin

[anya]

Luisa, wow!!! My heart has just made a somersalut. I'm happy for you. I'm happy I read this post. You inspire.

[Pam]

Bravo!!!

[Melanie]

Congratulations! I hope it will be in English... although if it is not, I will brush up on my German to read it. Please do let us know when it has a publication date!

[Mouse Bouche]

Beautiful. Bravo.

[Kathleen]

dude. DUDE!!!!! That is most fabulous, congratulations! I will miss your photos and stories from New York but I look forward to new ones from Berlin. And I love having a book to anticipate. You are awesome!

[Kelly]

Congratulations, Luisa! I stumbled upon your blog probably a year or so ago when I was looking for directions on how to make ricotta cheese. It was love at first read and I've checked every Wednesday since. I'm SO excited to read your book and hope that you'll continue to blog through the move and the whole experience. And of course, don't stop cooking (or eating)!!!!

You've got more courage than your kitchen can handle and I can't wait to see what happens for you.

[trace]

beautiful sister

[Anna (londonfoodieny)]

amazing news!! you are a true inspirations! congrats :)

[christina]

i am filled to the brim with tears. although we don't know each other, your words were directed toward me, straight toward my heart.
congratulations! here's is to new beginnings and leaps of faith.
: )

[Marsha Calhoun]

Bloody annoying, really; I just found your blog and now (I assume) you will be busy with your book. But I like your writing and will be anticipating it eagerly. Bonne journee.

[Emily]

Luisa, I know this may sound odd or cheesy, but I am so proud and inspired by you. To finally figure out what you're meant to do and give it a go...so inspiring. Best of luck, my dear.

[MemeGRL]

Congratulations to you! I love when people can move from living one dream to living another. May your happiness only increase!

[Amy Thomas]

Congratulations Wednesay chef-I am one of your silent readers and supporters.I will be the first one in line at bookstore to read your book.
Best Wishes
Amy

[Suzanne Quinn]

Magical post - how wonderful - what a brave talented woman you are!!! Way to make your world so much bigger! You've inspired all of us, I am sure.