Leap And The Net Will Appear

Sometimes I wonder where it all started. It could have been in Ms. Mercer's fifth grade class, I guess, when I wrote my first story, a bound set of loose leaf pages grandly titled "The Boarding School Murders" and illustrated with a luridly dripping knife, no less. But then I think it must have been earlier than that, when my father taught me how to read on the nubby, cream-colored couch that sits in my living room now, when I learned to escape into the wintry wonderlands of Narnia or the the big woods of Wisconsin, pulled along into those stories by the little girls who bewitched generations of readers before me. Perhaps I was older still, sitting quietly in writing class in college, feeling the strange rush of adrenaline course through my veins when I started writing short stories and found I couldn't stop. Or maybe it was the blog, the daily, weekly discipline of showing up here and writing, opening my heart and finding an audience in a dozen, a hundred, a thousand computers and more, scattered throughout the world.

Other people knew it before I did, believed in me long before I would ever learn to. I'd resigned myself to being on the other side, didn't really think I'd ever make it happen. Was too scared, if I'm honest. Too anxious I'd fail.

***

Ten years ago this January, I moved to New York. I got myself a little desk outside a big publisher's office, where I answered his phone and took notes in meetings, went out to book parties with other assistants and reveled in bagfuls of free galleys. I walked over the Brooklyn Bridge at sunset, skin tingling, and felt smug pride when I learned to navigate the West Village without a map. Smiled when I started recognizing strangers on the street, when the dry cleaner remembered my name.

I didn't need much adjusting to New York; it felt almost instantaneous, my acclimation. I had my little room in a darling apartment on the Upper West Side, just across from Zabar's, just a few blocks from Central Park. My roommates and I memorized the lines in "French Kiss" and stayed out late; threw dinner parties with borrowed chairs and fought with our landlady about the heat. I taught them how to cook and they taught me that friends could become family. Turns out that with the right people, all it takes is a little time. That, and a little bit of magic, too.

I remember when I first fell in love with New York. I was eight, and my father and I were on a visit with my grandparents. There had been an opera at Lincoln Center and a ride in a yellow cab, lunch at an Italian restaurant with their old friends in Midtown and a walk up Fifth Avenue, the city pulsating, alive, around us. It didn't scare me, though; it was thrilling, and so I fell hard and fast. I bought a canvas "I Love New York" tote bag and came home bubbling, proclaiming it, knowing it in my bones. One day, I'm going to move to New York.

And so, 14 years later, I did.

***

On New Year's Eve last year, at 11:45 pm, I sat in the guest room of my aunt and uncle's apartment in Brussels, wrapped up in a blanket in front of the computer. My family and friends, all felled with the flu, had gone to bed early and I, the lone healthy person, was alone on New Year's Eve. Well, I thought. 2009 wasn't starting very well. It had been a tough fall and I knew the months ahead would be even tougher. I braced myself that night, gave myself a stern talking-to.

You will get through this. You simply must.

The thing is, I'm not very good at being stern. I'm too soft, I think, too quick to fold. Now, do you know what I wish I could do? I wish I could go back to that night, slip into that room with the girl sitting in that chair, and wrap her up in a big hug. Trust me, I'd say. Trust me. It won't always feel this way. And she'd know I was right.

The next few months, though, were just as hard as I knew they'd be. Harder, even. I thought they'd never end. I gritted my teeth and braced myself, but it didn't help. I balled my hands into fists and fought, but lost. I tried to be strong, but it felt like I'd failed.

And then. Oh then.

My girlfriends - my sisters - took me with them to Paris. Me with my heart frayed around the edges, so fragile I'd been teetering on the edge of tears every hour, every day. We flew to Paris, and I felt the magic the minute we stepped off the plane. You think I'm speaking in metaphors, maybe, am having just a bit of fun, perhaps. No. There was magic there and it was real. Between the lilacs on the RER and the insistent flap of pigeon wings, Paris shook me awake; gently at first and then harder, with urgency. Open your eyes, I heard. There's no time to waste anymore.

The answer is right in front of you.

***

Readers, how do I just get it out and tell you? How do I put it in words? I don't know how, am trying so desperately to get it right, to really nail this one, because this is important.

Something happened in Paris and the weeks thereafter. I don't know if that's where my childhood finally ended or if it was then that I started to realize who I really am and what I really want. Maybe they go hand-in-hand, maybe you can't have one without the other. Either way, something happened, something pushed me to snap out of it, to wake up and take my life into my hands before it was too late.

In those strange, clear days in late spring, I remember finally realizing with earth-shaking certainty this: You, and only you, determine your own fate. You only get one chance at this life. Do something with your life; open your heart to risk. At some point, enough is enough and you must take the biggest leap you can and live it.

So I did.

***

Last week, I gave notice at my job. This week, a dream came true. No. This week, my dream came true. The biggest dream of my life, I think, the thing I've been dancing around as long as I can remember, the thing I've always wanted, yet didn't ever believe I could actually do. After writing all summer, after finally getting down to business and trying, after doing what people have been urging me to do for years, I took my heart into my hand, handed a book proposal over to my agent, closed my eyes and leaped.

48 hours later, the editorial director at Viking Press bought my book.

***

But that wasn't the only leap, you see. Something else I learned this year is that only once or maybe twice in life, when you get the chance for change, real change, you've got to do a whole lot more than just one thing. You've got to look deep inside your own soul and follow where it wants to go. You've got to listen, really listen, in order to hear what the universe is trying to tell you. And move mountains, then, when you finally know what you want. So, my dears, my readers, my silent and not-so-silent supporters, here it is, at last.

I'm writing a book, yes. But that's not all. I'm leaving New York, too.

I'm moving back to Berlin and I'm writing a book, about Berlin, about my life, about cooking and home and family and love, about being divided and finding a way back to being whole again, about a city and its recipes, and a girl who's learning how to find her way.

And somehow, finally, I believe it, too: This is what I was meant to do.

Comments

[anne spice]

hallelujah. amen. x

[CookiePie]

CONGRATULATIONS!!! All the very best to you. I will look forward to reading that book!

[Jane]

Congratulations Wednesday Chef! I too look forward to reading it.

[ncsuemme]

Sending you lots of love and congratulations. There is an obvious feeling of warmth and happiness exuding from this post (not to sound all hippy-dippy) and obviously the move is the right choice, along with the book!

[tara]

Oh my goodness! What news. And what a leap. Congratulations on all fronts, all the best to you for the adventures ahead, and thanks for letting us tag along for the ride.

Truly, truly thrilled for you.

[Liza]

Nothing like following your heart and listening to your instincts... Many people get too scared to take the leap, and never find their way. So glad you found your path. It's an unbelievable feeling :) Congrats!

[ann]

Oh that's just great news! This is a book I can't wait to read. Good luck, I'm rooting for you.

[The Cook's Atelier]

Following your hearts desire is the secret to finding bliss. The net will always appear if you believe in yourself.

Congratulations!

[brooke]

congratulations on the book - which i can't wait to read - and the decision to move! i love that you're taking the leap.

[Cate]

According to that last section, this book may also become a self-help book!! Can't wait to read it. Comgrats and good luck.

[Drew]

I had a feeling something was up. Congratulations on the book and welcome back to Europe. I am sure she has missed you.

[Lisa]

Luisa, I am so happy for you! Bliss, indeed!

[Sasa]

How inspiring! I feel a little like the girl in front of the computer at the moment, but it's comforting to know that someday soon, I too might find the courage to listen to what I really want and actually hear it. Best of luck to you in Berlin Luisa.

[jana]

you are so awesome, i'm really really happy for you, luisa. cangratulations! and all the best with the book and your move!

[Ashley]

this post struck a nerve with me. it's inspired me. thank you for sharing your fabulous news! congrats!!

[twitter.com/TheMadWifey]

I am so happy your dream has come true. You are a very lucky and inspiring woman! Best of luck in this new chapter of your life. Can't wait to read it!! :)

[Adrienne]

Oh my goodness oh my goodness oh my goodness!! Congratulations on your giant leap, and I can't wait to read it :)

[rachel]

I've been that girl on the couch wrapped up in a blanket for a few months now, and I don't know when it's going to end - this post just made it a little easier. I am ecstatic that you've found your way, and I trust that I will too. I wish you all the best and cannot wait to read the book. xox

[Victoria]

I have been reading your blog for a few years, but have rarely commented. I love your stories and seeing life through your eyes and on this rainy, Saturday morning - I sat down to read your post with a cup of tea, just soaking up the silence around me and here I am weeping. I am so happy for you and so moved by your description of taking life by the reins. Tanti auguri!

[Heather]

Luisa, it's Heather, of the Geraldine's Date Cake recipe. Girl, I am powerfully happy for you. You are brave and lovely and I can hardly wait to read your book. Hope we still see you here sometimes. You know, I am in the middle of braving the making of croissants (my smooth and buttery plaque is chilling in the freezer as I write this) and last night as I was slathering an absolutely shocking amount of butter around, I thought to myself how emboldened I have become in The Trying Things Department, largely by the grace of watching you and others give daunting things a go. Thank you.

[Antonietta]

What a beautiful post. Congratulations on your book, go with what you have in your heart and it will be a stunner.
I know, I am writing one too.

[Maria]

Oh, goodness, Luisa. What lovely news, and what a way to share.

[maggie]

Wow, Luisa, I'm thrilled for you. This is absolutely a great thing. I'm sure you have a million people offering to read pages/drafts for you, but if you need one more, I'd love to.

[charlotte s]

wow, this is one of the most beautiful posts! congratulations on making that leap towards your dream and i'm so happy for you that it's on the way to becoming a reality! wishing you so much luck and happiness with your move back to berlin. hoping it begins a wonderful, bright and fulfilling new phase in your life :)

[radish]

Congratulations.. Wow, such wonderful news!! You deserve this - congratulations! I cannot wait to read your book and now I'll have someone to say hi to when I'm in Berlin! :)

[Johanna]

Oh Luisa, congratulations!!
I will say, this makes it a bit harder for me to walk around the city greenmarkets wondering if the women I pass are you.... but I am so happy for you!!! You are so brave and I'm so excited to read and see what happens next!!!!

[heather]

Wow, super congratulations!
I do not know if I have ever commented here before. I come here often - your recipes inspire my suppers and I read you posts out loud because they are so beautiful. Thank you for continuing to share the food in your tough times and all the best with your move. I cannot wait to pre-order the book!

[Melissa]

I haven't been reading your blog for very long...maybe a few months, but my heart swelled with joy for you when I read this post. So so inspiring. Best of luck to you in this new phase of your life!

[AB]

Yay! What a wonderful thing to wake up to on a Saturday morning. I'm so happy for you, Luisa. xoxo

[angela]

Congratulations! Leap and the net shall appear...so true and yet so hard to believe in sometimes...Good for you! Follow your dreams and your heart! Best...

[Abby]

Luisa!!! Congratulations!!! I have tears in my eyes. Way to go! You're off to Berlin- amazing. What a journey you've been on and cannot wait to see where the next one takes you. Cheers!

[Sarah Abrams]

Wonderful! Good for you Luisa! I wish you much luck and happiness in your new home. It takes courage and confidence to make changes like this happen.

[Jenny]

Fantastic news! I'm so happy for you.

[Carolyn]

Hooray! That's such wonderful news. For you, of course, but for the rest of us too.

[Janice]

Well, now, that is big BIG news, on so many fronts. One leap and then another, inspired by a deep dive inward. Wow. So, so happy for you! (This is Berlin's lucky day.)

[Amanda]

I don't even know the words that would properly express my excitement for you. I knew you would find yourself with a book deal soon, as you have a certain way with words. I hope you savor these last few weeks in NYC, and find yourself safe and happy back at your home in Berlin. I can't wait to read about your future adventures...

[kickpleat]

Whoooo!! I loved reading this heartfelt post and I can't wait until I have your book in my hands. I love the leaping. Exciting times!

[Dervla]

Yayyy beautiful post! Congratulations again :-)

[Jennifer Joan Nelson]

This is beautiful. Thank you, and good luck. I look forward to seeing what will happen next.

[Annie]

Congratulations on your book and your courage!

[jenny]

luisa, as a fellow writer who has Been There--afraid to fail, wondering if she can make it, finally taking the leap--I completely and utterly related to the sentiments you expressed in this post. more than that, though, I'm just so ecstatic about the way things are developing for you. the writing-alone-in-a-solitary-garret aspect of things has its challenges, but the rewards are ten times as big.

I wish you all the happiness and success you deserve (and then some!) and promise that I will be pre-ordering your book as soon as it's available. it sounds cheesy, but my life is richer because of your blog, so to get a whole book written by you is an absolutely thrilling prospect.

congrats again, and I hope you'll keep us posted!

[michelle in chicago]

Congratulations! Hold on and enjoy this new adventure.

[Steffi]

Aww, beautiful! Congratulations!

[Katie]

yes! I was hoping you'd have a book in the works! Congratulations on that, and Berlin!

[Daph]

You had the courage to make the changes necessary for greatness! You moved mountains! I cannot wait to gobble up your words over a delicious meal with a glass of wine. Cheers

[Charmaine]

WOW! So fantastic will your new journey be and yes, you are going to experience nothing but success, and I can't wait for your book. I think you resonate with so many readers out there; it warms (to use your phrase) "the cockles of my heart" to know you are following your passion. Best wishes and please keep us posted, along with lots of pics. Viel Glueck!

[Carter @ The Kitchenette]

Luisa, that is brilliant news! I'm so happy for you. I've been looking to move into another industry myself and so it's very happy to hear that someone else is getting to pursue their dreams!
xo

[brian]

oh. my. god.

CONGRATULATIONS!!! so so so happy for you, friend. this post is just perfect.
you deserve every bit of this.

[Leah]

So wonderful. Everything. Congratulations!! xo

[dorie]

What a decision. What a perfect decision. I'm so, so happy for you. xo