What to say, how to say it? I don't really know how to broach it. It feels awkward and out-of-place. But since it's also residing in me like a 900-pound gorilla, I don't know how to write around it anymore. I'm having a hard summer, folks. I keep waiting to get up one morning and feel like I've emerged from a strange, dark cocoon, but instead I keep waking up on the verge of tears.
Depression is exhausting and maddening, the way it niggles at everything good in your life and turns the rest into an unmanageable calamity. It worms its way inside you and takes up residence like some kind of tropical parasite, keeping you up at night while it seems that the rest of the world sleeps blissfully. Other people's happiness is both a comfort and a finger in the ribs.
It's hard to write through this fog. It's hard to stay focused, to give thanks for all the good things (and I know there are many good things), to simply keep putting one foot in front of the other sometimes. And it's not easy finding an appetite or a sense of adventure when it comes to food.
But I made pickles the other day. It seemed easy enough, rounds of zucchini peeling off my sharp knife as I stood in the kitchen, the counter holding steady against my leaning hip; a sturdy comfort. All I had to do was slice zucchini and an onion, soak them in cold water and salt, then submerge them in a nose-wrinkling mixture of sugar and vinegar and mustard seed.
I packed the pickles into jars and let them marinate in the fridge, for one night, then one week, and a fortnight. As the days passed, the pickles developed more flavor. I liked them best right away, crunchy and barely sweet, the fresh brine making me break out in a gentle sweat. But Fran ate them a good two weeks after I first made them and wrote, "The pickled zucchini are AMAZING. I want, I need the recipe. Addictions are made of that concoction of vinegar, mustard, garlic."
Indeed.
I don't know how to shake off what's wrong. I keep muddling forward in the hopes that the sadness will just melt away eventually. Bear with me as I figure things out, would you?
Zucchini Pickles
Makes 3 cups
1 small yellow onion
2 tablespoons kosher salt
2 cups cider vinegar
1 cup sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons dry mustard
1 1/2 teaspoons crushed yellow and/or brown mustard seeds
Scant 1 teaspoon ground turmeric
1. Wash and trim the zucchini, then slice them one-sixteenth-inch thick; a mandoline works best, but a good sharp knife is fine, too. Slice the onion very thin as well. Combine the zucchini and onions in a large but shallow nonreactive bowl, add the salt and toss to distribute. Add a few ice cubes and cold water to cover, then stir to dissolve the salt.
2. After about 1 hour, taste and feel a piece of zucchini - it should be slightly softened. Drain and pat dry.
3. Combine the vinegar, sugar, dry mustard, mustard seeds and turmeric in a small saucepan and simmer for 3 minutes. Set aside until just warm to the touch. (If the brine is too hot, it will cook the vegetables and make the pickles soft instead of crisp.)
4. Return the zucchini to a dry bowl and pour over the cooled brine. Stir to distribute the spices. Transfer the pickle to jars, preferably ones that have "shoulders" to hold the zucchini and onions beneath the surface of the brine. Seal tightly and refrigerate for at least a day before serving to allow the flavors to mellow and permeate the zucchini, turning them a brilliant chartreuse color.
When I eliminated all gluten from my meals, depression began to dissolve in just a few weeks. My physical energy returned with an overall feeling of vitality and well-being. Aye, no more fatigue. It was like unzipping a dark rubbery suit and stepping into the light.
It could be many things - hormone imbalance, stress, family genetics, environmental factors - but eliminating gluten was the blessing force for me. Night and Day. I discovered blogs - through Gluten-Free Girl and Karina's Kitchen.
Keep the faith. You'll find your balance. You will.
Posted by: LY | August 21, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I am very sorry to hear of your depression. My struggles with depression led me to the following site: www.sjwinfo.org. This site gives a lot of valuable information about depression.
I had taken Lexapro, which made me manic. After reading through the web site, I tried St. John's Wort (perika) and it helped me.
Posted by: alexandra | August 23, 2008 at 01:20 PM
I have been making these pickles every year since that book was published ( maybe 3-4 years ago??) and I always have them in the house for hamburgers, I can't eat a hamburger at home now without them. They keep fine in the refrigerator for months, in fact they get better. Make these and you'll never eat a jarred, store bought pickle on a hamburger again!!
Posted by: Shelly | August 25, 2008 at 12:35 AM
hug
Posted by: Caroline | August 26, 2008 at 05:59 PM
I stumbled across your blog a couple weeks ago while looking for inspiration.... Love the recipes (swiss chard gratin).You have a special gift.
Thank-you and hang in there.
Posted by: Chef Alban | August 26, 2008 at 06:30 PM
I also suffered off-and-on with depression for many years, and then discovered 5-HTP, the precursor to serotonin that is found naturally in many foods, but yet many people do not have enough of. I have not been depressed since. This is a remarkable thing to be able to say. Info can be found at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/5-HTP
Posted by: Kathy | August 30, 2008 at 02:15 PM
Dear Luisa, my search for a pickle recipe brought me to you. I am so so sorry to hear about your situation right now. I really hope that each day brings your heart some comfort and your head more clarity. On a lighter note, after trying many other recipes, I am SO loving this one! The right balance of tart and sweet for me - I have zucchini and fennel in the fridge now. Thanks for the info and I look forward to following your site. Grazie, Ariana
Posted by: Ariana from Chicago | June 28, 2009 at 07:54 PM
I lived with depression most of my life until they discovered how much of it can be treated with medications as well as self management.
I do not need meds right now but know if the depression comes back to try this tool again.
In the meantime I do censor what I see/read - it can be hard to not be depressed with some of the things others find informative and/or entertaining.
I also embraced some of the very positive work done during the 80s re positive affirmations.
Good luck - keep trying to see what works for you.
Posted by: eilismaura | September 28, 2009 at 01:52 PM