Zuni Cafe's Zucchini Pickles

What to say, how to say it? I don't really know how to broach it. It feels awkward and out-of-place. But since it's also residing in me like a 900-pound gorilla, I don't know how to write around it anymore. I'm having a hard summer, folks. I keep waiting to get up one morning and feel like I've emerged from a strange, dark cocoon, but instead I keep waking up on the verge of tears.

Depression is exhausting and maddening, the way it niggles at everything good in your life and turns the rest into an unmanageable calamity. It worms its way inside you and takes up residence like some kind of tropical parasite, keeping you up at night while it seems that the rest of the world sleeps blissfully. Other people's happiness is both a comfort and a finger in the ribs.

It's hard to write through this fog. It's hard to stay focused, to give thanks for all the good things (and I know there are many good things), to simply keep putting one foot in front of the other sometimes. And it's not easy finding an appetite or a sense of adventure when it comes to food.

But I made pickles the other day. It seemed easy enough, rounds of zucchini peeling off my sharp knife as I stood in the kitchen, the counter holding steady against my leaning hip; a sturdy comfort. All I had to do was slice zucchini and an onion, soak them in cold water and salt, then submerge them in a nose-wrinkling mixture of sugar and vinegar and mustard seed.

I packed the pickles into jars and let them marinate in the fridge, for one night, then one week, and a fortnight. As the days passed, the pickles developed more flavor. I liked them best right away, crunchy and barely sweet, the fresh brine making me break out in a gentle sweat. But Fran ate them a good two weeks after I first made them and wrote, "The pickled zucchini are AMAZING. I want, I need the recipe. Addictions are made of that concoction of vinegar, mustard, garlic."

Indeed.

I don't know how to shake off what's wrong. I keep muddling forward in the hopes that the sadness will just melt away eventually. Bear with me as I figure things out, would you?

Zucchini Pickles
Makes 3 cups

1 pound zucchini
1 small yellow onion
2 tablespoons kosher salt
2 cups cider vinegar
1 cup sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons dry mustard
1 1/2 teaspoons crushed yellow and/or brown mustard seeds
Scant 1 teaspoon ground turmeric

1. Wash and trim the zucchini, then slice them one-sixteenth-inch thick; a mandoline works best, but a good sharp knife is fine, too. Slice the onion very thin as well. Combine the zucchini and onions in a large but shallow nonreactive bowl, add the salt and toss to distribute. Add a few ice cubes and cold water to cover, then stir to dissolve the salt.

2. After about 1 hour, taste and feel a piece of zucchini - it should be slightly softened. Drain and pat dry.

3. Combine the vinegar, sugar, dry mustard, mustard seeds and turmeric in a small saucepan and simmer for 3 minutes. Set aside until just warm to the touch. (If the brine is too hot, it will cook the vegetables and make the pickles soft instead of crisp.)

4. Return the zucchini to a dry bowl and pour over the cooled brine. Stir to distribute the spices. Transfer the pickle to jars, preferably ones that have "shoulders" to hold the zucchini and onions beneath the surface of the brine. Seal tightly and refrigerate for at least a day before serving to allow the flavors to mellow and permeate the zucchini, turning them a brilliant chartreuse color.

Comments

[kathryn]

Take care of yourself Luisa. Depression is a hard road to be on. Keep your life simple, get outside every day and feed yourself good food. And remember you may need some help through this.

Pickles are beautiful. Such a wondrous combination. Vegetable plus vinegar, sugar, salt - produces something so much bigger than it's individual components.

Best of luck.

[Lucy]

How could we not bear with you?

A walk, every day, is the best advice I can offer. Outside, fresh air, change of scenery.

Lovely pickles. Looking forward to warmer days, I am.

[Marie R.]

I've been a lurker for about a month now, but I've un-lurked to say how much I enjoy your blog, and that you're in my prayers. I've known depression, and it's the saddest place.

[myrnie_twin]

As someone who has been there, I am so sorry and so grateful that you're still plugging away. And if it helps, for me, I didn't wake up one day out of a fog. But I did wake up and realize how far I'd come and it gave me the strength to keep going farther. We're all thinking of you!

[daniela]

the tropical parasite has infected me as well in the past.. its a dark hole, but you have made the first step into the light by talking about the 900-pound gorilla thats been lurking.. thats the most difficult part..

hmmm.. pickles.. dunno.. i always find them toooo vinegary.. is this one really tart? i can just feel my eyes watering....!

[Lori]

Take care, sleep when you can, try to eat good food even if it doesn't taste all that special. Be gentle with yourself, and care for your poor down self. There is an army of people who are unfortunately really familiar with what you're dealing with, including me. I am so sorry you're grappling with this, and I hope the light comes back very soon.

[Glenda]

Zuni Cafe's pickles are my absolute favorite! A craving of mine while pregnant (only Zuni's would do). As much as I enjoy the Zuni burger, the pickles that come with it is why I get the burger every time. If you decide to visit SF at some point, I'd be happy to take you to Zuni for the hamburger.

After my daughter's birth I suffered from a horrible case of post-partum depression. I have finally come out of it. Depression is painful and makes you feel totally isolated. Be good to yourself. You are in my thoughts.

[Ken S]

I've been a lurker for a while, but felt compelled to comment. The comments have been good and thoughtful. You have made a very good first step by talking about your depression. Perhaps you can find professional help in the form of a social worker or minister or rabbi, etc.
In the meantime, care for your body by eating nutritious food.
Peace and Blessings!

[mei]

Good luck, Luisa! Take care of yourself first, don't worry about us. We'll patiently await better days. And will be rooting for you every step of the way.

[Lydia]

I'm thinking of you, Luisa. I've really enjoyed your blog and I hope this fog of sadness lifts.

[Martha]

Luisa, I love your blog. Please, take good care of yourself and know that you are in my prayers.

[Marjorie]

another long time reader/lurker here sending warm thoughts your way.

[Victoria]

Many have been there. Take care of yourself. Looking forward to trying the pickles.

[Lydia (The Perfect Pantry)]

Depression feels like the loneliest place in the world. You are not alone there. We are all with you, sending love and good energy.

[Laura]

First comment ever, although I have been reading your blog for ages and loving it. You are so brave to share your vulnerability with your readers. Like many others, I will be thinking of you and wishing for you to regain your equilibrium.

[Tracy]

Delurking to say that your blog is a delight, though I know that means little when the fog descends.

Please take care of yourself.

[jenny]

luisa, I know we don't know each other, but I have so delighted in your blog, in your beautiful writing, in your joy, in your zest for life. no matter how deep the darkness seems, I know that spark that comes through so effortlessly in these posts is there and can't be put out. take care and know lots of people are rooting for you.

oh yes, and hooray for pickles. I just made some today.

[maryn]

Luisa, as you can see, we all send so much sympathy and support. Don't be afraid to seek professional help if it feels like you need it; there's no shame in that at all.

[Mary]

I would imagine it's particularly difficult to go through what you are now when you clearly are capable of such an utter love of life, and of seeing the sparkly wonderful things in every day living that others might miss sometimes. Depression to me felt like divorce from myself, my energy and my intention in life. I felt deeply thwarted. I got through it much the way I imagine you will: you will have faith in your strength, your worth, and your relationships. When you sense the kernel of hope and happiness stirring in you, you will feed it with all you are. Trust that you will reach the other side, even if it seems impossible right now. Thank you for sharing with your readers-- your statements probably helped more people than you will ever know. Have the battle is demystifying for what many people is a way of life.

[gemma]

it doesn't seem right that you can be so sad when you bring so much joy into other peoples lives. Mine in particular. Love you

[Jennywenny]

Hang in there, I hope the fog clears soon. I love reading your blog and I'm very much looking forward to trying your harissa, its become an addiction for me recently!

[erika]

Like others have suggested, feed yourself well even if it's not exciting, get fresh air and moderate exercise even if it doesn't seem important. Read all of the comments and know that you're not alone.
Do whatever you feel you need to do to move on from it, and don't hesitate to ask for help. It's obvious from this comment list alone that many people are behind you!

[Erika Saldivar (Weiss)]

Luisa, know that you are very loved. Your recipes and blog bring inspiration and joy to everyone. Do something special for yourself and know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[Molly]

Oh, my friend. I have felt very down and out for the past ten days, but it hardly compares, I know, to feeling that way for weeks at a time. I'm thinking of you and sending a big hug through the wires.

xoxo

[Erinn]

Keep moving forward, and not to be cliche, but just tackle One Day at a Time. This simple approach (and lots of yummy food and drink) has helped me out of my blues more then once.

[Patty]

I have been reading your blog with such pleasure for months now. I just want to wish you well and encourage you to take one day at a time. You write so thoughtfully and intimately and make such perfect choices in your recipies. Know you have many fans who are deeply fond of you and routing for you.

[Another lurker]

Another person delurking to suggest: please don't just keep hoping depression will go away on its own, or that you just need more sleep.

Our society has medicalized everything, but depression really is often a chemical imbalance that's easily treated along with some helpful therapy. It doesn't mean you'll permanently be taking prozac any more than your last flu meant you'd be taking antibiotics forever.

[Honeybee]

Take care and get help if it all get's too much. I really do hope you'll be feeling better soon.

Of course we'll bear with you.

[Jessika]

I've suffered through many depressions. I thought it was the way life was, only it wasn't.
You might just have landed after a hectic spring. Regardless it might just be the time to go see a doctor to discuss options, medication free or not. Depression is just a whole bunch of needless suffering. Forget about the whole romanticized picture of that it leads you to a higher level of wisdom whatever.
Take care of yourself!

[Valerie]

Luisa, es tut mir furchtbar leid, dass es Dir nicht gut geht. Ich wuensche Dir alles Gute, viel Kraft und Mut fuer die kommenden Tage und Wochen und hoffe, dass Du den fuer Dich besten Weg findest, um den Gorilla aus Deinem Leben zu verscheuchen. Liebe Gruesse aus Bruessel!

[jeen]

i'm yet another lurker unlurking, just to let you know that i've been there too and sometimes it feels like i'm still there. for me, keeping the people i hold dear close helps.
love

[charlotte s]

hi luisa.... i hope this love from all your readers (including myself) wraps itself around you and takes away some of the edge. what can i say? i get depressed as well, as if someone is plunging my head under water, and i cant breathe, and life is just unbearable. it happens quite often, so all i can say is that i empathize with you and feel your pain. i find going to a psychologist helpful- it helps me find words to express all of the feelings that are beneath the surface... as another reader said, its really just taking it one day at a time... and reaching out to those close to you for help and comfort.... the worst thing for me is that deafening feeling of loneliness, as if im stuck in a parallel universe all alone. ask for help, as hard as it may be to do... thank you for reaching out to us...
sending you warm thoughts, and a big hug.... thank you for your beautiful writing, recipes and inspiration... may you find joy again in life, and in yourself.

[Dawn]

Your post made me cry with painful recognition. I agree that sharing it, saying the words, is so crucial to your healing. And that's probably the hardest thing for most of us, to say, "I need help." Therapy is magic, and I never would have believed it until I tried it myself. And meds can help you get over that bridge, too. It has been many, many years since I've done either, but I'm so glad that I did when they were needed. Where you are today is not where you'll be forever, even though it probably feels like it.

I wish you courage. Your blog has been a great joy to me.

[molly]

Now I feel extra bad for not telling you how to make fried rice--I will, I promise! I'll also think of some extra bright-and-shiny objects with which to distract you during your September visit. Take care of yourself, my friend. Daily fresh air helps me, as do regular dunks in water--be it ocean, pool, or just the tub. Not cures, oh no, but I do find these actions curative, in their limited way.

[Charmaine]

Luisa, thanks for sharing your feelings...that's a great step forward. Don't be hard on yourself, instead treat yourself with extra love. When you notice that you want to isolate yourself, make an effort to instead surround yourself with loved ones. Your writing and recipes bring much happiness to many (including me). I'll be thinking of you and praying that your spark re-ignites.

[abs]

Another de-lurker wishing you better days.

[Alexa]

Hi Luisa,
You are a very talented, amazing writer. I enjoy every post you offer your readers. It's like a gift you give them--and that takes great generosity.
Depression is such a taboo subject and yet it shouldn't be. It happens to so many of us at one point in our lives. People should not feel shame or lonely because of it. We should all speak about it openly. Our bodies are full of chemicals that make us feel amazing things and yet sometimes they eat at us as well. A good naturopath can help you regulate the chemicals in your system through diet changes. It may not be a cure-all but it helps a lot. I wish you the very best.

[Dr. L.]

You need to get help. Depression is a disease, just like diabetes or cancer. Go and talk with a doctor, and do something different. If you're scared of medicine, then talk to a naturopath, or an acupuncturist. There is no need to suffer.

[anne spice]

ah, luisa my dear, somehow i sensed something was up. a long-time reader here, who thinks your writing is lovely, entertaining and life-affirming... i stray from your blog occasionally to try and find something even remotely on-par with your lyrical wit, but no, i always start to yawn. i'm sorry to hear that the dark and dense fog has unfurled around you... certainly can empathize with looking outside to see lifeless grey and wonder how all the color and vitality got sucked out. others have given good advice. trust that what is now will not always be such. breathe. find some miracle in that breath and give yourself huge healthy doses of being outside. but mostly, i hope this marvelous outflow of genuine goodwill helps to burrow through that impossible armor so that some small part of feels that you are indeed connected, appreciated, and understood... pax and love.

[emiglia]

I don't know whether this can comfort you or not. I've never battled with serious depression... I have no idea what you must be going through. But please know that there are people who don't even really know you who are out there and care about you. Take care of yourself and look forward to better days. Take things one step at a time.

[anne spice]

oh! and p.s. i used to live in SF... anything from Zuni is a welcome site, and refrigerator pickles are great! the combination makes for a perfect summertime post. thanks!

[Lisa]

Just wanted to join the chorus here. Your blog brings so much happiness into my day (and so many others, as this comment section proves) please take very good care of yourself and feel back to normal soon. We all wish the best for you, Luisa!

[Naomi]

Hello Wednesday Chef!
I just thought I'd drop a note (along with so many other readers) to tell you to keep your chin up, you're appreciated by at least one more person in the world. I moved to England two years ago, leaving my family and friends behind to be here with my husband. The first year of our lives together was great, but I felt down and sad a lot of the time, which isn't like me at all. I want to let you know that your food blog has been a bright sunny point in my life. I love your writing style, and every time my RSS reader pops up a new blog story from you, I get a big grin on my face as I look to see what wonderful recipe you've got for me to try out this time. I know that for me, my faith, the love of a good man, time with friends and the occasional change of scenery (since I'm addicted to travelling) helps keep me perked up. Oh, and hugs. Lots of hugs. Good food, helps, too, so keep it up, even if it's just for you!

[geri]

Dear Luisa,
I want to send out a big hug to you and wish all the best for you each and every day. You deserve it. You are entitled to it.

Please hold tight to the fact that your loved ones love you back twentyfold. As someone else wrote, stay close to them, let them comfort you. And look to the beauty and healing properties of food, that you write so brilliantly about - and of nature, the trees, the flora. 900 pound gorilla, be gone! Be good to yourself, Luisa!

[David]

I think chocolate may be in order.

I'll be there soon, and am happy to administer! xx

[Peggy]

Sending light and love your way, as you have done for all of your readers.

[Heather]

Oh sweet lady, if I was a New York gal I would cross the bloggy gap of anonymity and leave a basket of my favorite goodies on your door. I wish you wellness, and in the time it may take for you to feel as such, I wish you an open heart and mind - so much brilliance hides inside dark times and feelings. This is a wonderful book on these things: Where the Roots Reach for Water: A Personal and Natural History of Melancholia - his personal story may not resonate, but reading a natural/social history of depression can lend a whole new lens to the experience.

With warmth,

Heather

[Carmen]

Luisa, I was wondering...so it IS depression. The way you wrote, your photography, I was wondering. Take care, eat well, and be kind to yourself. And don't hesitate to get a little bit of pharmaceutical help. Some of those products DO help. Sending positive thoughts your way.

[karin]

take prozac, even 10 little mgs help to clear the fog enough to see. Then you can go back to being yourself, and you don't have to take it forever. Plus, thanks for the pickles!

[meg]

after many, many years of suffering through depression this year I reached out for help. that is the hardest thing to do when you are in the midst of it and look you did it here. that took a lot of courage.