Gratitude

Sweet, sweet readers, how did I ever get so lucky? Oh my. I wish I could stand in front of you in person right now and give you each a big, sobby, grateful hug. Thank you for your comments and emails: believe me when I tell you that I truly felt love surround me as I read them all. I'm speechless at your empathy and generosity. I've got tears in my eyes just thinking about it.

And for the first time in weeks, this morning when I woke up so early that it was still dark out, I felt my stomach growl instead of sink with the realization of another day ahead of me. That's hopeful, isn't it? A few of you suggested a change in my daily routine, so instead of gulping down a bowl of cereal while standing in the hallway, I got up and made blueberry pancakes instead. (The daily swim will have to wait until next week when we *finally finally finally* go visit my mother in Italy.)

The pancakes weren't all that great (from the Fannie Farmer cookbook and a perfectly fine basic pancake recipe until someone came along wanting to use up random flours from her pantry, subbing Italian 00 flour and whole wheat flour for the regular all-purpose flour called for, cheeky monkey) and the blueberries all clumped together in a soggy little puddle on the underside of the pancakes, but they were warm and sweet and rather comforting nevertheless, and I ate them out on the balcony while the rest of my neighborhood still slept. Steam curled off my cup of tea and the herbs on the table moved intermittently in the early morning wind and I suddenly felt some peace.

Sadness is a bitch, isn't it? I was particularly moved by how many of you chimed in with your own admissions of struggling with it. Community, for lack of a better word, is an amazing thing and it does make a burden, any burden, easier to bear when you realize that you aren't entirely alone. Thank you, friends. I'd like to make you all blueberry pancakes and have you over to breakfast on my balcony with me.

Comments

[Lori]

Hallelujah -- a return of the light to you. I am so glad. I've been thinking about you and sending good thoughts.

[jenny]

your "cheeky monkey" line made me laugh ... and rejoice that there must be some light breaking through, at least enough to allow your sense of humor to shine.

have fun in italy. hope the change in scenery and time with mom are soul-filling and spirit-lifting, too.

[annie]

Luisa, sometimes depression is a manifestation of other health issues in your life. I suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia, where you have severe, crippling fatigue and no energy or stamina, along with brain fog ( a feeling of confusion,heaviness, and fatigue, even in your head). Get yourself checked by a competent doctor,as it might not only be depression hounding you, but some post viral malaise. Please take care of yourself, and be well.

[jb]

using blueberries to fight the blues is kinda like fighting fire with fire, right? works for me! the road to happiness has always been paved with pancakes. it doesn't matter how small the first step is as long as it's in the forward direction. keep the momentum going!

[Lucy]

Italy will fix all.

Blueberry pancakes are, of course, very good, too. Regardless of success.

[Christina]

I have struggled with--am still struggling with--depression, and as far as high-and-lows go, this sounds like a very lovely high point. I hope that more calm, beautiful, illuminating moments like this (no matter how unspectacular or simple) come your way. You have a lot of love out in the blogosphere, so take care of yourself. :)

[Honeybee]

What a lovely, hopeful post. So the pancakes weren't all that but you were able to enjoy some time on your balcony in the early morning and that's wonderful. I hope that every day, you will have more and more of those good moments, even if they are only very small things to begin with. I remember stroking a cat once, its fur warm from the autumn sunshine when I was having a very difficult time and it was right then that I knew that I was going to get my own self back, even if it would take time. And I did. I wish you all the best.

[ah Teo]

this is a very lovely entry. I like it when you can realise that everyone, including strangers, surrounds you with their love and concern for u. here's a hug for u!!
I absolutely love pancakes!!!! and blueberries. Thank u for making my day!!! ;o)

[Erinn]

They don't call it comfort food for nothing, do they? These pancakes look lovely, much better then cereal standing up for sure! Looking forward, as always, to your next post.

[Lisa]

Hi Luisa,
So glad to hear you're on your way to feeling better. Being around family always lifts my spirits and I think it will for you too. Sending you more good thoughts! Lisa

[merideth]

when my (20yo) daughter is sad, i tell her to imagine herself on my lap in the rocking chair. she lives way, way in chicago or she wouldn't have to imagine it. i'm glad you're going to see your mother . . . it may not be a rocking chair for you, but moms do know how to comfort their (even grown) babies.

[justcorbly]

If you think you are suffering from depression, maybe you are. Or, maybe not. Get yourself off to a doctor and ask for a referral to someone who can make a competent diagnosis, and then provide help as necessary.

But, take note, being sad or unhappy for a long ime isn't necessarily a sign of depression. They're are signs of being human. Some things are worth being unhappy and sad about, and it's up to us to change things. Maybe, just maybe, you need to listen to yourself.

Remember, no one is keeping score. You're allowed to do whatever might make you happy, even if you need to change your mind.

[Debbie]

This came in an e-newsletter today, and given the timing, I thought I should post it here:

http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahandfriends/moz/20080815_oaf_moz?promocode=908

Be well :-)

[Marilyn]

Luisa, a lovely stack of pancakes in is a hopeful sight, indeed! Hope you continue to take the small pleasures as you find them.

[belmontbri]

"True happiness is like a butterfly, the more you pursue it...the more it eludes you...but if you are patient, and still, it will come softly and land on your shoulder." I love your writing, you inspire me. Thank you.

[Lisa-Marie]

Hi Luisa,

this particular blog, and that feeling of contentedness, is something you should hold onto, and remember when you are feeling low.

I suffered from quite bad depression(a side effect of delayed grief from my mum dying) just over two years ago. If it helps at all, you can get through it.
I had counseling, and through that, and a combination of talk about and dealing with issues, I got through the worst. I suggest that you go to a good specialist,they are worth their weight in gold.
I've come to a stage I'm my life where I'm content for the most part, I hope you get there soon.

hugs ({)

[anne spice]

lucky nothing! i'd say that a kindly sort of blog such as yours would naturally attract an equally kindly reading demographic...so it was your own doing!

ahh, isn't it amazing how catching the world mid-slumber when you're outside and alert makes you feel that much more alive? glad you had such a moment.

but my goodness Luisa, making pancakes? so early? on a weekday? blues or no blues, your initiative astounds me. i'm inspired to get back to making more extravagant breakfasts... (albeit mid-morning, on a lazy sunday).

how could italy NOT help?

please do continue to take good care... pax.

[kim]

I've been in a dark hole for a month. I have taken to bread making as therapy, braided challah is my current thrapist. I feel strangely peaceful while making it. Unfortunatly , it only lasts till the loaf cools. Then the sadness returns to me and contaminates my every thought. Good luck, I've never been depressed( I'm strangely happy all the time) and I would not wish this on anyone.

[ayankeeinasouthernkitchen]

So glad you day was a little brighter. Fixing something special for yourself like the blueberry pancakes was a wonderful act of self-love. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I am not at all surprised by the hoards of well wishers towards you.

[Mercedes]

Oh, I think pancakes would make anyone's day just a tiny bit brighter. A good dose of Italy will do you good, and I hope you get to feeling more like yourself in good time.

[Janet]

Luisa,
I've been lurking around your blog and several others for that matter for a while now. I thoroughly enjoy reading your entries and also trying the recipes you post.
So happy for you that you are feeling better. I've been running a B&B, cooking breakfast and taking car of the inn this summer and thought I'd share our Buttermilk Blueberry Pancake recipe with you. It is really, really good and our guests rave about it. We also use the same batter to make Belgium Waffles with maple butter and pecans. The recipe calls for White Lily Flour, which is made in the South. You may be able to find it in NY. We order it online through Smuckers.com 'cause we don't have it in Southern Maine. Here's the recipe:
2 cups White Lily AP Flour
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
3 Tbsp sugar
pinch of salt
3 cups buttermilk
2 large eggs
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 stick butter, melted
Combine the dry ingredients in a large bowl. Mix together the buttermilk, eggs, vanilla in another bowl. Pour the wet ingredients into the dry and whisk. Then pour the melted butter into the batter and whisk again til combined.
Pour the batter onto a griddle and sprinkle with a little ground nutmeg. Place approximately a tablespoon of blueberries (we use wild Maine!) onto the pancake and when the underside is cooked, flip the pancake and finish cooking.
This is a good way to prevent the blueberries from clumping and also to prevent the batter from turning purple from the berries.
Enjoy Italy! Feel Better!

[Anne]

Oh Luisa. Depression is such a pain in the ass. It keeps telling you how you should feel instead of just letting you be. Glad to hear of the blueberry break in the clouds, and I hope it all passes soon.

[Joann]

I can think of no two better things to help you right now, your mom and Italy! I can't help but think that 20 minutes after landing in that blessed land and receiving a hug from your mom you will feel something stir inside you that hasn't stirred in, oh so long!

I too am walking the foggy road with that woefully heavy gorilla attached to me. I lost my mom to a stroke 2 years ago, she is still here, but the person that made her "mom" was destroyed in the stroke and we now have a mom who is not the mom we knew. And if would break her heart to know the truth! Life's a bitch.

And, to make matters worse, it has been way, way, way too long to even put in print, since I walked through a lovely Italian neighborhood. Enjoy it all! Inhale it all! Let it heal you!

[Pat]

Hi Luisa, So sorry to read your post about your difficult summer. I love your blog...your writing is amazing, your photos are spectacular, and your imagination is boundless. I turn to you for inspiration often during tough days at work and think about what I am going to make for dinner or dessert or whatever. I think about Spain, Italy, etc...anything to take me away from work for a minute. I've never posted...just an adoring lurker...please keep it up!

[Kasey]

Luisa,

I have been a longtime reader of your blog and it brings me so much joy to sneak moments between work and check out your beautiful pictures and illustrious writing. I wish you all the best and hope that you get through the rough times. Can't wait for more delicious recipes..

[Amber]

I have been there. One year ago. I knew I was in trouble when I only wanted to sleep. I walked everyday. Watched the geese fly overhead. Held my dog. And saw a doctor. Mine was brought on by too much medication and too much stress, I have a son in prison and a mother who enjoys destroying my life. Through my depression I found compassion and understanding for people going through sadness. It feels heavy. It feels lonely. It feels empty. But there is hope. There is light. There is tomorrow. This is something I am working on with a few people... everyday, find one thing to love about yourself, even if it is just that you have toenails to clean. And each day add one new item and read 10 of what you have already written. Remind yourself of why you have value. Somethings will be physical, some will be who you are, some what you stand for. You my dear, are a child of God. Precious in his sight. And you are going to Italy to the person who would give her life for you. You are truly blessed. And one day this sadness will be a memory. My heart is with you!

[Mary (Mary's Nest)]

Hi Luisa,

I was so saddened to hear about your depression. But glad you are feeling that you are coming out of it. I found a wonderful book about good nutrition and how it can help one in so many ways. It's called Nourishing Traditions by Sally Fallon. I write about it here:

http://marysnest.typepad.com/marys_nest/2008/07/nourishing-trad.html

Have a wonderful time in Italy. It will do you a world of good. My mother is from the Lombardi region - Cernobbio - and it is always so restorative to go there.

Love and God Bless,

Mary

[Maris]

Luisa - I'm sorry to hear about your troubles but when reading these commments, it was really heartwarming to see what a great community you have built here.

PS - I have been dying to make blueberry pancakes! I have blueberries in my freezer screaming to be used and I think you've officially inspired me :)

[amanda]

Am I right in understanding that it is the 20th of August and you're still looking forward to vacation?

No wonder you're overwrought and distraught.

I don't have a balcony (mostly I come here to your blog to fawn over corners of your balcony in photos) but I definitely know that my whole day is different if I start it outside. When I notice myself slip-sliding towards that funk that haunts me (I think haunts a lot more of us than ever let on for fear that we'll be prescribed Zoloft and sent packing) I sometimes have the foresight to head to the community garden a few mornings in a row to drink my tea and deadhead my daisies and generally make myself late for work. It never fails. The only problem is that sometimes the funk slips in too deep before I remember that I know how to keep it at bay.

[angela]

http://chopstickbunny.blogspot.com/2008/06/progress.html

The good thing about a love for cooking is that you can incorporate natural remedies into your meals. Growing up Catholic, we always had fish on Fridays all year long. My mom used to always say fish is brain food and it turns out she was right. It turns out depression may be cause by an Omega fatty acid imbalance so I try to incorporate solutions into my meals by eating more fish and bread made with flax seeds, etc. Exercise is always a good idea. What has helped me the most though, is just accepting the disease and living with it rather than trying to defeat it. It's part of who I am and once I realized that, making it through to the other side became a whole lot easier.

[natalie]

wow you made me dream describing your beautiful morning breaksfast. I really like the early morning with its fresh air and quite. Hope you ll feel better depression is really devastating although it doesnt kill you it drains your mind. You ve got a nice blog.

[Annerbee]

Luisa,
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with depression. I am currently struggling to come to terms with my own depression, taking life one day at a time. After four years of terrible cyclical depression, I recently made the decision to see a psychiatrist. It's the smartest, healthiest, most couragious decision I've ever made for myself! I recommend reaching out to a professional, it has already helped me tremendously. This is a fight we can't win alone, and why should we? We're all here for you, and each other.

Warm wishes!

PS
Love this blog, the recipes and commentary always make me smile.

[dervla]

Luisa, glad to read you're feeling a little better. Sometimes i can't believe how small and lonely i can feel. Just remember to breathe deeply and lose it all in Italy.

[alex]

read the alchemist. if you already have, read it again.

good thoughts are with you to get over the hump. xo