I Heart New York

I love this city, I hate this city, I love this city, I hate this city. The city loves me, the city loves me not, the city loves me, the city loves me not.

How many other New Yorkers find themselves on this merry-go-round of affection and frustration? Does it happen to you daily, monthly, just on Mondays, or maybe when the weather's taken a turn for the worse? Perhaps a rat crossed your path last night, or this morning the subway stalled in the tunnel for the fifth time this week, or maybe the deli around the corner gave you food poisoning and you just can't take it anymore?

It didn't used to be this way. My first year in New York, I spent every day in a febrile state of joy: discovering the thrill of black-and-white movies in the afternoon at Film Forum, having Bloody Mary's for dinner at the Tile Bar, shaking Bill Clinton's handsome hand (have you seen them up close? those are some good-looking hands) at a book party, walking over the Brooklyn Bridge at sunset with goose-pimpled skin at the sight of a still-glorious Lower Manhattan, taking the bus all around town just so I could see each neighborhood all the way through, hearing the laconic subway conductor announce Times Square as the "crawwwss-roads of the world" on the way to work and seeing all my fellow passengers break out in a smile.

These moments and others made me feel like I'd won the lottery. I lived at the center of the world. I belonged here. I loved it.

After all, I'd dreamt of moving to New York since I was a kid - dinner at the Rainbow Room with my grandparents at the age of four (we had duck, I can still remember it), watching Henry V at the Paris Theatre the winter before I turned 13, seeing my father marvel at the kosher Indian vegetarian menu in Curry Hill, a Thanksgiving in college spent on the couch of a friend's cousin (he had a sunken living room, polished hardwood floors and a set of dreamy casement windows, lucky man) when we weren't criss-crossing the city in trains or walking through Central Park, feeling like characters in a Woody Allen movie - these moments all whetted my appetite for a life in The City.

And then the shock and horror of September 11th changed everything. For months, the sight of people falling from buildings was burned in my mind, funerals with bagpipes left me weeping on sidewalks, and I couldn't see an airplane overhead without my heart sinking in a sickening panic. Being here made me fiercely proud. But being here also made me enraged with grief. I read these obsessively. I couldn't stop worrying. I imagined my own death.

The wonders of the city couldn't reach me anymore, not when my neighbors, my New Yorkers, my people, were still being collected from a burning pile of steel and jet fuel and hatred. They could have been me, I could have been them. This thought was all-encompassing. It sometimes still is.

Another thought comes up, though: would the shiny, new excitement have simply started to fade anyway? Would the noise and the expense and the vermin eventually have become less easy to ignore? Was my love for this city like other forms of mad passion, eventually lessening and growing cold? Somewhere along the way, I got priced out of this city and a part of me is secretly relieved. I could use a break, I know it. But another part of me is terrified. I can't imagine life, a happy one (an accidental 8 months spent in Park Slope in '05 was nothing short of a disaster), outside of Manhattan. This is where I thought I'd always belong.

But that, dear readers, is exactly where I'm heading. In a few weeks, we're moving to Queens. It's official: on August 1st, we'll be living in Forest Hills, with more square feet than I can currently fathom, a balcony and trees out front, a kitchen with four whole walls and dear friends right upstairs (thank God). I'll only be 15 minutes away, but when I go to sleep at night, I won't need earplugs anymore.

I don't quite know what to think. I'm excited and I'm scared. Will I still belong to the city? Will it still belong to me? I've got new neighborhoods to explore: Flushing's Chinatown and the Queens Botanical Garden, the eateries of Jackson Heights and what I hear is quite a nice museum. But what I really hope to find is some of the inner peace that has eluded me in the past few years. I don't know if Queens is where I'll find it. But what I know for sure is that I'm getting a new adventure. And maybe that's all I need.

Comments

[Beth Lee]

Luisa,

Best wishes to you in your new "home".

[karen]

I believe that change is essential for happiness. Especially when it involves a bigger crib and better scenery.

Here's to your new kitchen - I hope it'll bring new inspiration and joy.

[ann]

You nailed Luisa. I feel kinda like you channeled my thoughts of the last 6 years. Man, I'm so excited for you guys!! I hope you love the change as much as we're loving ours. Lemme know if you need help, uh, taping up boxes? Yeah ;-)

[deb]

Congratulations! What a lovely lede, as well.

Alex--who loves Forest Hills and continually makes the argument that it will be a great place for us to move next--thanks you, by the way, for finally giving him a retort to my ongoing grievance that "but I won't KNOW ANYONE there!"

[Lydia]

I think you will love it -- close enough to immerse yourself in the energy of Manhattan when you need it, and far enough away to find quiet, calm, and trees when you need those. I hope your move goes smoothly!

[RA]

Oh, my grandmother lives in Forest Hills and I have such good memories of playing in her backyard (!). Good luck at the new digs!

[Virtual Frolic]

Hey there! Welcome to the neighborhood - well not really - I'm in a different part of Queens, but close enough! I think you'll really love it! I have friends who live near Forest Hills, and honestly, their commute is not bad. I'm so jealous of your balcony!! Just think, you are so much closer to Sripapthai (arguably the best Thai in the city..it's in Woodside) and the Arepa lady (I have yet to try this..)

P.S. i made the NY Times butter - and I think your description nailed it. The initial taste is really good - but it goes away much quicker than store-bought butter. I was actually pretty excited about the buttermilk!

[izzy's mama]

Don't fret too much. I think Queens'residents still consider themselves part of the "city", it is one of the five boroughs after all. All of your sentiments mimic mine after 9/11 too and we left for Jersey City in 2003, for more space and peace of mind. We got the space, but we are still so close to the city I still feel jittery when I hear loud noises. Maybe one day that will fade.

[scorps1027]

I live in Forest Hills and you'll find that it has an energy quite like Manhattan! Interesting people, eateries, sights, and a rich history. It's very real and not glossed up I think. I hope you love it!

[lobstersquad]

oh, don´t. really. you must take into account the waves of jealousy that you´re sending through me right now. You´re 15 minutes away, I am 8 hours and a world away! you´ll love Queens, I´m sure, it sounds great.

[david]

Queens?

Well, that does it. I'm canceling my visit.

[Jessika]

Does those 15 minutes actually qualify as having moved OUT OF New York? I don't have experience of new york that way - I've only touristed but sounds like you pretty much live in it still, although not right smack in the middle of it. A real kitchen and not having to wear ear plugs will be nice for you I'm sure.

[Luisa]

Karen - that's a really good point. I'm usually too afraid of change to see the forest for the trees. Thank you!

Ann - Well, it's good to know then that you're loving Bay Ridge. I'm excited, too! It's going to be fun. Maybe even the packing part. ;)

Deb - oooooooh, you guys should come too! That would be fun!

Lydia - that's what I'm thinking, too. A little peace and quiet never hurt anyone! (Now I'm starting to sound like someone's grandmother.)

RA - thank you!

VF - Oh! I totally forgot about Sriraphai! That is an exciting prospect indeed.

Izzy's Mama - oh yes, it's definitely still part of the city. But something about not being on the island on Manhattan when I go to sleep at night seems to have had far too much of a hold on me until now. I hope those jitters fade, too...

Scorps - that's what I love about it already. I'm really excited to explore and feel at home there. You'll have to tell me about your favorite parts of FH!

Ximena - good point ;)

David - nooooooooooooooooooooooo! That's it - I'm canceling the lease.

Jessika - no, of course not. And I'm sure there are some Queens residents rolling their eyes collectively at me. But having equated the New York experience with living in Manhattan only, this is a big change for sure. Especially for someone who likes to walk home a lot. Still, it's a good one.

[Anne]

Sometimes I think Queens is probably more "New York City" than Manhattan. It's certainly more heterogeneous, which for a gal from the lily white suburbs of Atlanta, makes it really appealing.

Best of luck in your new home! We may be following you when our little one arrives.

[gemma]

Another lovely post and the most wonderful news. I CANT WAIT for you to move to Forest Hills. you will start loving new york /manhattan again - a fresh adventure AND you get to start being there on your own terms. xx

[Sarah]

Hi Luisa--

I am a fellow food blogger who made the move to Forest Hills from Brooklyn two years ago--and I have to say, the longer I live in Queens, the more I love it. Good restaurants are a bit sparse in Forest Hills itself (two of the best are Nick's Pizza on Ascan and Danny Brown Wine Bar on Metropolitan), but the borough as a whole has lots of great stuff for passionate foodies.

The Forest Hills blogger community is tiny, but the few of us out here are beginning to connect. Queens Central (http://www.queenscentral.com), a great new neighborhood blog started by a guy named Steve, includes forums and has sort of become the hub of FH online activity.

Welcome to the neighborhood!

[Jessika]

I moved out from a city where I couldn't afford housing. Initially I was like, damn, this can't be right. Then, all of it became clearer. Now I've lived in my place for five years. Cheaper, better, and on a whole I don't regret it at all.

[aileen]

Luisa - three years after my angst-ridden decision to leave my own loved-hated-loved-loved Manhattan, I think I just understood better why I did. What a keen post.

For what it is worth, my decision to leave turned out better than I could have ever imagined. I moved into a place with three bedrooms (one of which was advertised as a closet!), open kitchen and a fireplace. It even had stories and a staircase! All that space was overwhelming, I'll confess, and I seriously contemplated for a good few months simply living as if in a studio apartment in the story with the kitchen and fireplace. (I eventually adjusted to Alaskan expectations of personal space, however, and enjoyed living in such a way that prized possessions were no longer strategically stashed like clutter.) I had a yard, with a picnic table on it! And trees! All around. From all of my windows - and there were so many! My cell phone didn't get reception and slowly I forgot about it. I got a puppy. I had a great, great time meeting my neighbors. Best of all, in that lovely silence and chilled Northern air, I slept for the first time in years. Serious, good, hearty sleep. No waking up to check the blackberry. No insomnia. No need to will myself to ignore alarms or garbage trucks. No late night panics that this was only a vacation, and I needed to keep myself steeled up for the life when I returned.

My experience of Queens is pretty small - Sripapthai, the 5-Borough bike ride, and some other assorted adventures. But I am sure you will have a wonderful time! It sounds like you are still winning that lottery. Enjoy all your explorations, new neighbors, and great expansion of place! So exciting!

[Molly]

Stunningly lovely post, my friend. All those little "only in New York" details made me smile...

And congrats on your new place! Hip, hip! An adventure is beginning, I dare say. I'm so excited for you. (And I can't wait to come visit! Heeeee!)

[wellunderstood]

good luck on your move! my husband and i are moving august 1st as well, to a whole new city . . . i'm familiar with the questions you're asking yourself. all the best!

[radish]

i have been hearting forest hills for some time now. if the bf pitched it to me, i'd jump on it in a heartbeat!

congratulations on the move!! you should post pictures of your lovely new place! this is so wonderfully exciting!

[Carmen]

Moves are SO much fun!! And a new kitchen!!! And discovering new places to buy produce, meat, bread!!! And a balcony!!! A place to have drinks in the evening, or to share hors d'oeuvres! Enjoy!!!

[molly]

"How many other New Yorkers find themselves on this merry-go-round of affection and frustration?"

New York and I had a big fight tonight on account of it dumping 8236 gallons of water on me and closing its subway doors in my face...but we'll make up soon, and I'll remember why I love it so much...which is that it's a collection of crazy, awesome, bizarre neighborhoods, and exploring new ones is the best part of living here! (well, along with the food, of course)

[Mercedes]

You'll absolutely still be part of the city!
Plus, you'll have the joy of discovering a new part of it, and the luxury of space, you should be so excited. I agree, NY is love-hate, but I think it's more love than hate, and then even the annoyances are unique to new york.

I look forward to hearing about your adventures, and also the new site design looks great!

[Caroline]

What a well written, thoughtful post. Thank you for opening your thoughts so much. I am a 2nd city (chicago) gal and I love it but also have days of big city wear and tear.

Looking forward to reading about your new discoveries!

[Tea]

Oh, but this was a wonderful one.

I can relate to so much of what you write--even though I am flirting between cities a coast apart. San Francisco doesn't love me the way it used to (or is it me that doesn't love it anymore?) and Seattle is warm and welcoming, but will it be enough for me? It's the really nice guy who is probably perfect for you but doesn't have quite the same pizazz of the super cute jerk that you've been crushed out for years.

(okay, I am going overboard with my metaphors here).

But I can tell you this, there are pleasure waiting for you that you don't even know about yet, new discoveries and adventures. My best friend moved to Brooklyn after years in Manhattan and felt like she was being sent into exile. But she's happier there than she had been in a long while. It'll be good.

But I know what you mean.

[Serena]

Bellissimo quello che hai scritto!!!
Complimenti per il grande passo, io amo i cambiamenti e sono sicura che portano sempre molto avanti nella vita!

Un abbraccio forte! Serena

[Luisa]

Anne - that's a good point. I'm really looking forward to the exploration of all those new neighborhoods. And oooh, yes, come on out, too! Lots of happy babies there. :)

Gemma - yes yes yes! So happy we're going to be neighbors! xoxo

Sarah - thank you! I'll have to check out that link. And I totally adore Nick's, but haven't tried Danny Brown yet - it's on the to-do list.

Aileen - thank you so much. I think for a lot of us, leaving Manhattan is just torturous. And then, suddenly, it's not. The 5-borough Bike Tour! Ben's going to be all over that.

Molly - Thank you, thank you. Oooh, finally daylight in the apartment, room for a dining table (with tablecloths!), space for guests - it's all too lovely for words. Can't wait for you to come see. xx

wellunderstood - ooh, a whole new city, that's even scarier and more exciting! Best of luck to you, too!

Olga - come visit when we're out there! That'd be lovely. Photos to come, for sure.

Carmen - indeedy, you've hit the nail on the head.

Molly - oh no, bad New York. Isn't it nice when you can make up, though? Like today, with this ridiculously perfect weather and the sparkly buildings and blue sky. This is a good one, today.

Mercedes - glad you like it! I'm still getting used to the new look, but I think it was time for a change. We'll see.

Caroline - thank you so much. The big city is such a great place, and sometimes it gets you down. Hopefully now we'll be somewhere in between, looking for peace.

Tea - ha, I like those metaphors. They make sense to me!

Serena - sei troppo carina. Grazie mille - non vedo l'ora che venite a trovarci nella nuova casa! Bacioni.

[Lia]

A truly beautiful and well-written post, Luisa. Your words about September 11th and how it jolted you and your life in NY is all too similar to what that day did to me and everyone else in this city. Sometimes I wonder what I'm still doing here, but that's what the love/hate relationship we all seem to have is all about. It really is one of the most special places on the planet, and I've been happy to call it home for so many years. But I'm a big outer borough fan as you know and as sad I am that you won't be giving Brooklyn a second chance, I'm so excited to hear all about your adventures in Queens. Maybe it'll even get me over there more often!

On another unrelated note, I seem to be missing the picture of you that you're rerferring to in your Nibbles section. What was it?

[Josh]

Hi Luisa,

Congrats on the big move. Such funny timing: We're actually moving out of Forest Hills at the end of this month. Sorry we won't be neighbors! Let me know if you need any neighborhood details. I'll give you one hint right now: There's excellent dim sum in Forest Hills on Queens Boulevard that you can walk to without even going to Flushing (oh, and a Chinese bakery just opened).

[Lisa (Homesick Texan)]

Hurrah! As I think I mentioned, I have a friend who lives there, and she wouldn't think of living anywhere else. She adores it and can spend hours (seriously, HOURS!) waxing wonderful about the beauty and livability that is Forest Hills.

[Sharon]

Good luck in the Hills. I still miss it. FH Gardens is a beautiful place for a walk, the Natural has great food, and there are some good places to eat. AJs pizza is great, Dees has good Italian/American, and Just like Mothers is the best for Polish comfort food. Enjoy

[damon]

Welcome, neighbor. Some of the best restaurants in the area are grouped at Atlas Park --- in glendale, across woodhaven boulevard from FH. Shiro has the best sushi in the area by far, and try the salmon carpaccio at Pasticcio.
www.theshopsatatlaspark.com

[Peter]

Welcome to Forest Hills! Here's hoping you love it here!

(BTW - Give Zabb Queens a try sometime. It's a Thai place near Sripraphai and just as good, if not better...)

[ria]

Oohhh...you're moving into my old 'hood! Forest Hills is pretty great neighborhood. Very quiet and a kinda serene. I moved out of Forest Hills into Woodside a few months ago and I find myself missing it every now and then.

[Sean Kelliher]

Luisa,

I think you made the right decision. Manhattan is not infallible (far from it) and it's also not going anywhere. If you can't live without it, after living somewhere else, you can always come back. However, once you experience quiet, expanded living space, and an outdoors that's more leafy green than concrete, I'd doubt you'd want to.

As a fellow ear plug wearing Manhattanite whose nearly lost his adore for the city, I congratulate you on trying something new. But, please keep up your blog. It's really fun - especially the parts about Italy.

Kind regards,

Sean

[Nancy]

Luisa, it will be my privilege to welcome you to Forest Hills.

I grew up in Queens, not far from here, and lived in Manhattan for 12 years. I was leading a blissful life about 1.5 blocks from the World Trade Center when it all came crumbling down (right on top of my head, as it happens) and moved here to FH in the fall of 2001 after spending a couple of displaced months at my childhood home in Glendale. I was not the only lower Manhattanite moving here at the time -- I know some Tribecanites (???) were in the offices of Madeleine Realty at the same time I was.

The plane that hit the South Tower passed right over my head seconds before it hit, and for the first couple of years here, I thought, "Was I crazy moving to the borough where the major airports are??" Every time a plane flew overhead, I got dizzy and nearly fell to the ground. Eventually it passed and I came to think of this as a good, quiet place to get over it all.

I still think it's nice to come home from work and hear crickets chirping.

[Luisa]

Lia - thank you, my dear. The link refers you to Bruni's review of Mercat (there's a blurry photo with teeny me in the corner accompanying it).

Josh - excellent dim sum in Forest Hills? Oh, do tell. I am nuts for Chinese food, especially dim sum. Where are you guys moving to? I'm sorry we won't be neighbors.

Lisa - that's great! Maybe that'll be me one day ;)

Sharon - Polish comfort food certainly sounds like it's going to be our dinner in the colder months. Thanks for your tips! Can't wait to try them all.

Damon - I've never even heard of Atlas Park. This is great! Thanks for mentioning it. I can tell I'm in for a lot of new exploring.

Peter - I've never been to Sriraphai, so a place that's just as good if not better is definitely going in the book as a must-try. Thanks!

Ria - that's nice to know.

Sean - thank you! No worries, the blog isn't going anywhere. And I think you're quite right, the city's not going anywhere. This will be a comfort on July 29th, I think, and hopefully an afterthought by August 1.

Nancy - crickets! It's not possible! :) I can't wait to hear them.

[Erik]

Vulgar of manner, overfed,
Overdressed and underbred;
Heartless, Godless, Hell’s delight,
Rude by day and lewd at night…
Crazed with avarice, lust and rum,
New York, thy name’s Delirium.
– Byron Rufus Newton

[Gemma]

I went to New York for the first time two years ago and fell in love, I was almost in tears when it was time to leave after a week. We're going back for a week in September. If it was easier to get a work visa my boyfriend and I would be over for a stint living there like a shot but we just have to console ourselves with holidays for now. Hope the move goes well.

[gail]

Hello - I am an artist/photographers working on a project about New York and how the outer boroughs are becoming more interesting than Manhattan. As you obviously agree, I can tell by your enthusiasm about your pending move, - I would love to tell you more about the project: see it at http://designtrust.org/home/home.html . I am photographing people all over the city and what they see out their windows. If you know anyone who would be interested, please have them email me at newyorkviews@gmail.com. Thanks!

[Tiny Banquet Committee]

A move, more space, how exciting! I have been living in a cramped East Village studio for too long and am contemplating just such a move myself.
Incidentally, the Adidas Forest Hills
are my favorite sneakers:
http://www.ranshop.co.uk/catalogue/Gents-Trainers/Adidas-Originals/Adidas-Forest-Hills-White-Yellow-Gold