Sabine Maharam's Apple-Hazelnut Bread

What an odd little piece I found myself reading in T:Style Magazine a few weekends ago. The couple featured in the article, while hosting a fabulous assortment of guests at their dinner party, seemed stiff and unhappy: "He pours red wine, fidgets with the music and circles gingerly around his wife. [She] juggles hostess duties while navigating the pristine kitchen, with its food-unfriendly teak countertops and a pantry full of collector’s-item dishes." Their proclamations bordered on the ridiculous: ‘‘It looks very minimalist,’’ Sabine says. ‘‘But it’s minimalism done in a very elaborate and detailed way.’’ Mm-hmm. Wha?

And the menu (those poor, poor guests)...

Which editor signed off on the piece? Did Maura Egan realize how unpleasant her subjects sounded? Was this unflattering portrait done on purpose? Did she actually eat the food being served and enjoy it? Because one fact remains: Sabine Maharam's reputation as a "queen of the domestic arts" is seriously questionable, at least if you base this evaluation on her apple-hazelnut bread, which was, dear readers, an abomination.

I just don't get it. I will bet good money that neither Maura nor anybody else at the Times actually attempted to bake this leaden loaf themselves. Because if they had, they would have been embarrassed to print the recipe in T:Style. (Let's not even get started on the "Green Minestrone" in the same article.) If anyone minimally practiced in recipe-reading had been present at the editing of this article, I'd like to think they would have intervened, too, but it seems that was not the case.

I'll admit that I decided to make this bread after reading the article and the recipe and knowing, just knowing, that it couldn't turn out well. But wouldn't it have been such a good story if it had? Self-Righteous Recipe-Testing Blogger Admits Foolish Mistake! Downtown Artist's Apple-Hazelnut Bread The Best Thing Since Sliced (um) Bread! Strange Health Food Hybrid Ends Up Winning Most Delicious Award! But against my hopes and wishes, this bread turned out to be even worse than I imagined.

Everything about the recipe was just off. A half-teaspoon of cocoa? Seriously? Why? You certainly couldn't taste it. Apples cut into sticks instead of grated - I don't understand. And no instructions as to whether the nuts should have been peeled or unpeeled, toasted or maybe even chopped? (If you're going to attempt this, and I don't know why you would - definitely toast and chop the nuts.) I followed the recipe as best I could, and it's true that, visually, it was sort of pretty. But eating it was so unpleasant. Even spread with butter as directed.

I attempted to fob some of it off on Ben's mother, the poor woman, but I'm hoping she wised up by now and threw it away. That's what I did. Thanks for nothing, T:Style.

Apple-Hazelnut Bread
Serves 12

13 ounces apple (2 to 3 medium), peeled, cored and chopped into 1⁄4 by 1⁄4 by 1 1⁄2 inch sticks
1⁄2 cup dark brown sugar
Cooking-oil spray
1 cup whole hazelnuts
1⁄2 teaspoon ground clove
1⁄2 teaspoon cocoa powder
1 1⁄2 teaspoons dark rum
2 cups spelt flour
1 tablespoon baking powder.

1. In a large bowl, mix the apples and sugar. Cover and refrigerate overnight. (Do not skip this process, as the apples will expel water, needed to moisten the bread.)

2. Preheat the oven to 360 degrees. Grease a 7-inch round springform pan or an 8 1⁄2-by-4 1⁄2-inch loaf pan with cooking spray. Stir the nuts, clove, cocoa and rum into the apple mixture. In a separate bowl, whisk together the flour and baking powder. Add the flour to the apple mixture and stir until combined. Transfer the dough to the pan, pat down and bake for 70 minutes. Cool in the pan. If you like, serve with butter and fleur de sel.

Comments

[Julie]

I saw that same article and noticed that in the body of the article they talked about the apple-hazlenut bread as bruschetta with a topping of speck and grilled zucchini, but the recipe made no reference to that. Of course it doesn't really sound like speck and grilled zucchini would have redeemed that bread.

[AnnieKNodes]

I have to admit, I saw the picture of your bread and before I even read you entry I thought, "Pretty. But it doesn't look like it would be pleasant to eat." Too chunky for bread.

Thanks for taking the punch on this one, Luisa.

[lindy]

The detailed minimalist:
She embroidered their sofa.

Har.

Well, I am unfair. If someone appealing embroidered their sofa, I'd probably refrain from mockery. Excuse me while I go drape myself in antique napkins.

[Tanna]

I look at the picture and think Ok somethings don't look knock your socks off but are really good. Obviously this is not one. You have to wonder sometimes.

[RA]

I saw the picture before I read anything and I immediately wondered, "Did Luisa make olive loaf?" Gah. What a monstrosity (through no fault of yours!). Is Apple-Hazelnut Bread the new fruitcake?

[Molly]

Oh MY. That photograph of Sabine Maharam is priceless. I'm with Lindy - we "queens of the domestic arts" have GOT to start wearing our antique napkins, just like our pal Sabine.

Luisa, you deserve a medal for testing that bread. Next up: green minestrone, perhaps? ;)

[deb]

This post absolutely cracks me up. I can't tell you how many times I have cooked something and said "there is no way on god's green earth this was tested beforehand." Which goes a long way to explain my current Cooks Illustrated fixation.

For the green minestrone files, there's a savory pumpkin tart from the Times a few months ago I keep wanting to try, but every time I read it I'm convinced it's just a flavorless pumpkin turnover. Expect to see a similar post from me when I finally get to it.

[janet]

That would look pretty if it were made out of some non-food substance, like marble, I suppose. Apple chunk and whole hazelnut style kitchen countertop, perhaps. At first glance at the post, I was very afraid. I didn't think that looked good at all, despite what I'm sure, are your superior baking abilities. Bah.

btw, i'm a recent stumbler upon your blog. I think it's great.

[Jessika]

You get an A for making the damn thing, even when the recipe stood out as questionable. I'm allergic to nuts so this time of the year all things nutty, human or otherwise, is out of the question ;). I actually like fruitcake though, I make them for christmas, minus the nuts of course :).

[Maya]

Ha! Olive loaf! I thought the same thing! Now, I'll bet that an olive loaf like that would be interesting!

I have never heard of T:Style. Am I missing out on something?

This was one funny post, Luisa.

[Luisa]

Julie - shudder. Speck and grilled zucchini might have made this even worse.

Annie - at your service, my dear.

Lindy - You just made me laugh out loud.

Tanna - you do, indeed.

RA - olive loaf is something I have never eaten (blessedly, right?). But I actually like fruitcake! In some cases, I love it. This? Was no fruitcake.

Molly - over my dead body. I kept reading over the recipe in astonishment. The list kept going ON and ON and ON! When would the madness end?

Deb - I know exactly which recipe you mean. I can't wait for you to make it.

Janet - well, welcome! And thank you.

Jessika - count me in on the fruitcake fan club. This thing, sadly, bore no resemblance.

Maya - every once in a blue moon, the NYT publishes a supplementary magazine on the weekends (in addition to the weekly NYT Magazine) with varying themes... T:Style is all about food and lifestyle and so on. I've actually clipped other recipes from that issue (and previous ones).

[Snoskred]

I'm trying to visit as many of the NaBloPoMo blogs as I can and I thought I'd say hi, I loved your blog.. :) Adding you too my bookmarks ;)

[ilva]

I knew from the moment I saw that pic that it was a NOpst and how right I was! It looks really unpleasant... now I'm off to read that article!

[sanda gislao]

I bet one half teaspoon cocoa is a misprint; I'll bet it should be one half cup

[emily h]

I see that this was from a couple of years ago, but I just came across it when running a search for Sabine's name on Google... *after* reading the same article online.

I had the same feeling you did as I read it. The loft sounded creepy, and her handmade outfit, complete with white doily on the top of her head... it was just bizarre.

Great post. Put me back in a good mood for the evening.

[Britt Walker]

I can only hope that that Maharam's do not have any children. Would they make them wear antique lace outfits and carry a brick of home made bread in hand crotched lunch boxes? Yikes.

[Marguerite Smith]

I would toast the hazelnuts and then grind them to crumbs. I would grate the apple. Big chunks of nuts and apples falling out of bread do not appeal to me.